duwag

My jeans find their ways around my ankles. Crawling and sliding and you take my head back in your hands, big hands, man hands. Holding my neck as if to snap it, but now to love it, and I’m on your pillow, holding your pillow tight. kiss my back and roll me over, I wish you didn't breathe so much, I wish we didn't have to do this. you've locked the door and I’m watching it, my head turned sideways as not to suffocate in the pillow and your so heavy up on top of me, you smell like sweat and you breath so deep. can't we be done now?

My brothers is outside the door with your other friends and you say "down soon" and they leave, what would they do if they knew? they couldn't still call you a friend, what do you think they'd do to you? I wish I could scream out to him, and tell him save me, tell him help me, tell him make it go away. I wish I could tell him that you've touched me, that you kiss me, on my mouth and on my arms and on my chest and down and down and down and down, stop it. I wish I could tell him that I suck you and you like it, that you fuck me and you love it, in your bed, on my bed surrounded by the toys I don't let watch me, that I won't look at again coz they all smell of you, and my sheets smell like you. I hear my brother walking down your hall and back down your stairs, why doesn't he come back? please come back, fucking please come back, come back. I ask Jesus to bring him back but he’s down your stairs and laughing with his friends again. I Want to scream for him, but I can hardly breathe, and I can't cry and I can't move, Jesus please bring him back. why does nobody come for me?

I don't understand the way you love me, the way you call me beautiful but hurt me, I don't understand the things we do or why we do them, and way I just wish I would fucking die when you sit me up there on your lap, or close my eyes so I can't see what scares me. the things I don't understand you drill into my mind, into my body and I learn so fast, we're in your little bed room and it all runs like clockwork the days I don't ask questions.

If my brother knew don't you think he'd kill you? Don't you think he'd rip off your fucking cock and make you eat it you sick fucking son of a bitch? Don't you think he'd let everyone know that your a faggot and you make his little brother one to, day by day, drill by drill, breath by breath and it's killing me? Why doesn't he come back? don't you think he'll come back? I bet he'll come back. I bet he'll come back and find us with your cock in my throat, and you'll be breathing and then you won't pass the blame, then you won’t pass the blame when he's kicking the shit out of you faggot. He doesn’t come back. No one ever comes back.

I don't tell. standing with the blood rushing to my hands and my feet, hearing it thudding in the veins in my brain, almost 10 years on now and I’m pretty much a man myself. Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the crying coward? and you're all I think about, you're all I think about. I saw you in church when you were baptized on a Sunday in June, I saw your sins swim away in the water, demons drowning with my name on their lips. I'm so afraid we'll die the same day and you'll be waiting for me in heaven, and when I get there I won't speak, just lay down and roll over, listen to my brothers laugh down your stairs, but so muffled by your breathing. I wish I could find a tongue to talk with, find the words to paint my picture right, but this entire hesitance makes me weaker and the words never find themselves in the air around me.

Where are you little voice? an 8 year old boy still screams inside my head, he tells me to tell on you? he tells me make it stop, please make the fucking stop, and I can’t stand to see him crying. He's in my stomach, and he's in my head and my heart and my throat, his little voice is in my throat. I wish I could cut lines into my neck and let his voices out, coward, why am I such a fucking coward? What do I owe you, I don’t owe you my silence, tell me what do I owe you?

And when I loose my nerves, when I look at myself with clarity and swallow this coward, I’ll cut deep and slow and sure and bleed the boy you raped into the bath. and when they find me, when they find me, they'll say they never knew, and you'll stand at my funeral dressed in black and find your demons in the ground, crawling up your trouser legs, back into your balls, and I hope they sting like cancer. When they cry for the "young life lost so tragically early" a note on my body will say "he fucked me in your bed" and you didn't come, you never came back, you never came back.