Automation of Reason

Is there such a thing as having too many aspirations, or too high of goals? I used to believe there was no such thing as "too high of a goal," which isn't unusual for any perfectionist. But when everything is riding on the success or failure of that goal where do you draw the line?

When my sanity is wrapped-up and held together by a single thread of hope of the future I'm scared to death; nothing I do is good enough for me.

I'm only 28 but I feel so old; I've become such a workaholic, not because I love my job or for money, but simply because I have nothing better to do.

I've been dragged down into the routine 12-16 hour days Monday thru Sunday. Life seems so shallow, so mechanical; "programmed".

I just need something to remind me that there's more out there then this mundane, day-to-day bull shit. I need something, or someone to pull me from my work, show me that there's more to this world than the material, consumerism, more than what is immediately around me.

I want to be a romantic again, do something or go somewhere on a whim of emotion; have moments where I throw reason out the window and ride the roller coaster of intuition.

For so long I've told myself that emotion and intuition only leads to broken hearts, foolishness, and wastes time. But now that I've molded myself into this automation of reason and logic I miss the days when I didn't care if I wasted a few hours here or there. I need to chase the ghost. Lose myself again. Sleep the day away

"khalel, what's wrong?"

Nothing's wrong

"khalel..."

Nothing's wrong, please don't look at me that way, why are you asking?"

"Its just that you look sad..."

really?

"Yeah, i think your sad."

I just have a lot on my mind; you know that. But nothing is wrong, if there was something wrong I'd tell you.

"Would you?"

Please don't....