Lookin In

LOOK AT ME


I am the aborted child; silenced before I found a voice
I am the pregnant teenager; who had no other choice
I am the high-schooler; gunned down before my prime
I am the homeless man; asking you to spare a dime
I am the fat kid in class; who never makes the team
I am a nation of outsiders; seeking one Philippine Dream

I am the poor girl in school; the one you love to tease
I am the old man in a home; forgotten, crippled by disease
I am the gay man; beaten; left to die on the street
I am the single parent; working 2 jobs to make ends meet
I am the hardworking man; just a little down on his luck
I’m the one you overlook; the one who won’t make the cut

I am the old woman; with cut benefits from Medicare
I am the suicidal teen; whose life was just too much to bear
I am the misguided youth; condemned to a life in a jail cell
I am the little six-year-old; praying to get out of this Hell
I am the heart of this country; the mix of Philippine’s melting pot
I am the starving kid on TV; that makes you realize just how much you’ve got

I am the mother who can’t feed her child when she cries
I am the promdi man you cannot look in the eyes
I am only what you want to see; for you never take a second glance
I could be so much more than that, but you’ll never give me the chance
All you see is the outside; you’ve decided what it is I should be
You judge this book by its cover; and never truly see me

Lezbo, Faggot, Pansy, Dyke;
All them people's just alike
Dego, Spic, Nigger, Chink;
They roll so quickly; no need to think
Geezer, Deadbeat, Lazy, Weak
Why can’t foreigners learn to speak
Degenerate, White-Trash, Wino, Whore
Spending welfare checks at the liquor store
Hate them, hate them, hate them ALL
They’re the cause of Philippine’s Fall

We cannot change the world today, the pain the hate the sorrow
The task is set upon us all to build today’s tomorrow
Will we finally end this fight, or will simply dance the dance
Will we offer an equal share, or deny our brothers their chance
Will we create a brave new world, or make the same mistakes
From here on in, it’ll be our fault for the form the future takes
No one else can carry us now, brothers, sisters, take my hand
We are the people we’ve been waiting for; Now’s our time to stand.


_______________

"People Works Overtime to Destroy this World. And I have realized how foolish to take an day off from doing my part."

I'm back.

I miss you all.

Merry Christmas Guys!

His Ryeness: Certified G* Spot Winner

AlAS! I am free from my bondage!

Allow me... This Month's G* Spot Weblog of the Month is no other than the ever popular - Can't You read of Rye! Hooray!

How? here's how:

Simply Manila 25 votes
Beauty and the Bum 4 votes
Gibbs Cadiz 2 votes
Can't You Read 110 votes
Desert 69 29 votes
Lows, Highs, & Alibis 20 votes
Male and Beautiful 3 votes
Mr Manager 2 votes
The Geeky Guide 38 votes
BillCoy's Blasted Brain 2 votes


Can't You Read is a blog I personally read whenever I got the chance. Its witty writings have kept me addicted to it! So for all you who havent got the chance to check on Rye's Can't You read? I suggest you him a visit at www.ryeness.blogspot.com

So to Rye, Congratulation Man! Cheers!
You shall receive the winner's button at your email buddy!

A Vision of Death

All of the sudden I feel I am stranded on a limbo. I feel there is so much going inside me and that I cant figure out how can I escape from the war growing within the houses in me. All of the sudden I seems to be not the same undaunted person I used to be. I feel weak every each passing day, like a vampire that haven’t quench his thirst for blood for days seemingly wanting yet depriving himself of the fresh kill to touch his lips.

ABSURD.

Absurdity have engulf me into a vortex of sheer insanity. Truly a manifestation of the war of the houses within me are growing. The unvisited are shouting, screaming, demanding for more.

ESCAPE.

How many times have He tried to escape the vicious swamp I have put him into but the dubious bars have kept him captive.

ILLUSIONS.

I have deluded myself for so long in fairytale and illusions that I will be save by a mantric thought. For century I have believe in a power so divine will save me amidst the mire.

TRAPPED.

He is becoming more restless. Demanding for freedom. Rebellion was in his faculty. Waiting for that moment to surge from the quiescent oblivion that kept him powerless.

DESPAIR.

Each drop is like gasoline. Feeding him with His collection of strength. Fueling him for his anticipated surge.

DEATH.

In my death, He will live.

Drowned

I close my eyes,
take a deep breath.
Then just dive in.

The water is warm,
but my blood runs cold.

Thought of you fill my head with so much shame.
The water is shallow but i almost drown,
im scammbling for air.

I take a look around,
everything is blurry.
My heart bounds and my head aches.

why did you leave me like this?

Pain fills my soul.
I take one last breath and let myself drown.

Down at the bottom I feel no more pain.
Down at the bottom my thoughts all die, my mind is still.

No more missing you,
no more tears will fill these eyes.

This is my hell,
you are my temptation.
I slowly die.


Close the door and never let it open,
for i will no longer be on the other side.

My heart is forever dead.
My love is forever gone.

Silence fills the room,
and the darkness clouds my mind.
I fall into my hell.
No ones there to catch me.
Goodbye to those who loved me,
i am no longer me.

i lost myself in that pool.
as i drowned. im never going back.
A broken heart and a shattered soul.

kisses ill miss,
hugs ill never forget.
i loved you dear.

the darkness is over powering,
i turn that way, for there is no more light.

i wish you would hold me and never let go.
so i say again goodbye.
i loved you dear.
my the pain was to much.
take my hand and let me live.
or let go and let me drowned.

Simple Truth

"Love Me, Hate Me, Free Me!"

It’s already hard enough not to believe you...
It’s already hard enough trying not to care about you...
It’s hard enough not to want to live in the crystal eyes you possess...
It’s hard enough not to want to fly with your wings made out fo ice...

It’s easy to understand that you wont come back to me...
It’s easy to understand that you wont give into me...
It’s simple enough to understand that there isn’t enough of you to give...
It’s simple enough to understand that those eyes are so sad rain runs down in your heart...

Why wont you come to me?
Why wont you fall into my arms?
Why is my love for you taboo?
Why is the crimson that I lose not enough?

Oh, sweet child that, looking into the dark night, wanders...
Oh, sweet lover that, lost in their mind dies...
Oh, sweet mother that, sees nothing but that which cannot be spoken of...
Oh, sweet father that, loves his daughter only as much as shallowness of his heart...

I love you, that gives me wings...
I hate you, that gives me joy...
I woo you, that gives me despair...
I kill you, that gives me freedom...

Drug that infects my mind, it takes a hold and wont let go,

like a babe clinging to its mothers breast...
Sorrow that infects my soul,

it burns so much the scar wont heal, like winter frost on a summer rose...
Love that infects my life, it’s so alive it wont go away,

like an ocean pouring on a fire...
You that infects my heart, not letting my choose my own path,

like a light that only goes in one direction...

Hold me...
Love me...
Let go of me...
Free me...

__________

The Photo: A Self Portrait.

Quote for the Day

Who among you is wise and understanding?

Let him show by his good behavior his deeds in the gentleness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition, do not lie against the truth.

This wisdom is not that which comes down from Above, but is earthly, natural, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.

But the wisdom from Above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy.

And the seed whose fruit is righteousness, is sown in peace, by those who make peace.

(James 4:13-18)

*Thanks DA, you made my day.

Happy Monday Guys!

Love Is My Right

..saw these over the net and I cant resist posting them here...

Free Me

Lift me up and let me soar
On these wings of broken promises
let me leave your hollow soul behind
and let you rot for all eternity
lift me up and let me fly
on my wings of your broken promises
i was fragile and now im broken
yet you've cared nonetheless
now i must leave you and your carelessness
for my tears have fallen for far too long
so lift me up and let me soar
my life i have taken back
from these broken promies and little lies
they all hurt just the same
so lift me up and let me soar
i want to fly and be no longer tame
i want to fly on the wings you gave me
wings made of madness and sadness and everything you've done
so hear this now before we part, our paths lead different ways
so now ive gone on my wings of hate and know this simple rhyme
"For everything you've done, I've left and now I've won!"
I hope this rings in your head, so your always remember
this man you hurt has hurt you back and burned you to the kinder!

The G* Spot Finalist: November 2007

Technically, this list of finalist is delayed by five days. Well the reviewers do have the right also to take their vacations too you know. c",)

So whether the five days delay will affect the outcome at the end of the month, we can only know that after twenty five days...

The Finalist for the G* Spot Weblog for the month orf November 2007 are:

• Simply Manila
• Male and Beautiful
• Beauty and the Bum
• Gibbs Cadiz
• Mr Manager
• The Geeky Guide
• Billcoy's Blasted Brain
• Can't You Read
• Desert 69
• Lows, Highs, and Alibis V 3.0

To the Finalist, Congratulations! May the Best Blog Win!

Buttons Up

These are overdue buttons... To Shaney and Daniel, please do accept my apologies for its delay.... Anyway, here it is:

Now for the October 2007 winner.

I often visit this blog not only because of its sensual and emotive photos but also because of beautiful writings that most of the times serves as the voice of its digital photography.

Asian Xhibit of Kit has serve as a continous inspiration not to mention the thirst quencher for this author's personal cravings for beautiful photography. Truly beautiful within its own right.

So to Kit, Congratulations Man! You well deserve this One! Kudos!

For you guys to have a better feel of what i talking about, please spend some time and take a dip at Kit's Asian Xhibit.

Silenced

I am silent for the voices
of souls who cannot speak
for the perfect virgin blood
that with shame drained down the sink

I am silent for the bruises
of the countless innocent
those whose difference claimed them broken
whose dignity has all been spent

I am silent for the lovers
of every heart-claimed path
who can't see past the steel bars
when they fell victim to prejudice's wrath

I am silent for the forgers
of this golden history
who have given us a gift
of nearly being free

I am silent for the broken
those whose hearts beat another way
who need strength to stand and fight
when others insist they sway

I am silent for the union
for the real definition of the word
for marriage is for every victim
upon whom cupid's grip unfurled

So be silent for all the soldiers
and rejoice in what they've done
We stand together in perfect silence
for we have voices where some have none

___________

Happy Holloween Guys! It will be a long weekend for me - I deserve this rest, So I am leaving you a troika to read... Enjoy! Stay Blessed, Beautiful and Free!

Asian Candies: Funky Ryuki

"Funky Ryuki"

PhYsIcAl FeAtUrEs:

Height: 172 cm

Chest Size: 30

Waist Line: 28

Shoe Size: 10

Complexion: Caramel White

"Sharp eyed, defined cheekbones and jawlines. Funky Hairstyles, brown hair sexy eyes and kissable lips this is what completes the spell of Ryuki!"

So Who Is Ryuki?

"hi... Im RyUki DaIgO KaMiKaWa..."

im a half JAPANESE and half FILIPINO...

i was born in HIROSHIMA JAPAN and was raised here in Philippines

...i was 3 years old when i came here in philippines(according to my mother)...i have 2 sisters namely ziehri and michiko...i have my nephew whos name is Shouhhei and im so proud of this kid becuase he is one of the cast of JU-ON THE GRUDGE (toshio the kid there)...

im living my life into the fullest...right now im busy with my career and studies...im into fame...as a matter of fact ive already done TV exposure...mall minor concerts...artist guesting...billboards...print ad endorsements...modelling...niway its not important just for you guys to know...ok...hehehe...

...nothing more nothing less. what you see is what you get...

frank, determined, aggressive, opinionated, and OC at times
But i like people who have loads of views about anything
they're the more interesting ones

...Naughty boy, cool…

I could be the nicest person you've ever met
The bitchiest person you'll ever meet
Or even, a complete asshole!

I could be seen as a lover, a player, or just a plain tease
Some would say I have everything laid out for me on a silver platter,
and that, I'm a spoiled bratt ...

"While others think that I'm the most generous person existing (waooo)
well It all depends on how you would like to perceive me
Im vain they call me supervain... "

Some of Ryuki's Endorsement as of 2007:


SELECTA ICECREAMS (at any 711 outlets)


BRATT HYPES (sm department stores)


PHILOSOPHY BOUTIQUE (SM Mall Of Asia 2nd floor)

OverSpeed

Here is a story related to me by a friend....

It is really Hot I tell you... So Be sure no one is sharing your computer while you are reading this one..

Read On....

"freeze!"

__________________

It was about 10:30 PM on a Friday night. I was just on my way home from a party. I was really wasted and had to go to work early next morning. I decided to take a shortcut down an old dirt road I knew of so as not to get caught. The whole time I had been thinking of something that had happened at the party. Only about five minutes left til I get home, I thought. Right then, as if to snap me out of a dream, I heard a loud siren and those infamous, flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror. I stopped the car right on the spot as I figured hardly anyone else knew about or used this road. I was really surprised to even see this cop. Just my luck. After waiting for what seemed like a painfully long time, I saw the shadow of a bulky figure probably about six feet tall get out of the driver side door and slam it shut. As he came up to my car, he mouthed. "Any idea how fast you were going?"

"About 30" I reply.

"44 miles per hour in a 25 zone". I thought he has to be kidding. What will I hit out here? A wandering gopher? "License and registration." I scrambled for it real quick and gave it to him.

As I did so, I couldn't help but notice that this officer was a very handsome man. He looked to be of European descent with a nice tan, ripped physique, and baby blue eyes that could stare a hole right through you. He started to go to his car for a minute and then stopped. That's when I noticed a bulge in his pants that could in no way be what it looked like. It was just too big. I got out of my car for a second which got me a pissed off look from the officer at first. I go up to him with my hands in plain view and start rubbing one hand over the fabric on his bulging crotch area. "Are you sure there isn't some way we could work things out?" He then smiled as I dropped to my knees. He told me to get up and take off all of my clothes. I happily did so and he then proceeded to undress himself and lay his clothing on the hood of his patrol car.

"Cavity search! Assume the position!" he said in a maliciously playful tone. I do as told.

I'm thinking as this is going on 'Damn this is wild..I know there are fantasies where women get out of tickets this way all of the time. I was now going to share this fantasy with all of those wild women.

As I assumed the position on the hood of my own vehicle, I felt his hot breath and lips on my neck as his strong hands started to explore my body. "Open your mouth" he says and inserts a couple of fingers into my mouth feeling around. When he pulls his finger out, I suck it.

"Good finger" I joke.

"My dick will taste better" he says. He then proceeds to oil up my anal crevice and slowly sticks his entire hand up there much to my dismay. After a second of 'searching' he's done. "I think you can assume your original position now." I turn around and drop to my knees as he has just turned the lights to my car off and we are in total darkness. I reach towards his strongly muscular thighs, grabbing the backs and put my lips to the tip of his dick, sticking my tongue out to lick some salty precum from the tip of the head.

"Mmmm, you were right..this is much better" I say. His cock was huge, a monster. It had to be at least a good 12 or 13 inches and thick, too. I wondered whether I could take it all in. I then moved one hand to grab his balls and grabbed his erection in the other as I licked and kissed top to bottom slowly. Then I slowly inserted the head of his rock hard penis into my mouth as I pumped with my left hand while fondling his testicles with my right hand.

I was sucking hard on the head and could tell he was in heaven as he could barely keep his balance and his hands were lightly brushing my hair. I move my hands back to his thighs and start to bob as far as I can while keeping a good pace. He moans "OOooooAAawww God!.." *schlup! schlup! schlup! schlup!* As fast as I go, I still take the time to taste this monstrous beauty.

"Delicious" I thought. I don't want him to cum yet though. He stops me before he gets there.

"Now, I want you to assume the position again." I do so and he then moves behind me with the wet tip of his large cock teasing my eager fuckhole. I'm still oiled from the 'search'. I then feel his nipples against my back as he reaches around and plays with my nipples. Then he inserts about half of his throbbing monster into my well lubed backside.

I wince at first, then moan "Fuck yeah." He then locks his hips to mine and starts pumping me harder and faster as he kisses my neck and continues to feel up and down my front side. After giving me a minute or two to get used to it, he was tearing away at my ass like a man possessed, many times shoving the entire hot, sticky length into my quivering hole to the base. I cried "Ow!" or "Ah!" a couple of times, but it didn't stop him or slow him down a bit. Still, even through the pain, I was enjoying this tremendously. After all, not all pain is bad.

I then sensed that he was about to blow. I temporarily shocked him as I pushed back with all of my might to get him off of me. I dropped to my knees and pointed his erupting member at my open mouth. He came like a geyser, with some landing on my face and some into my mouth. He then told me "Get up, it's your turn." In a heartbeat, he dropped to his knees and took me in his warm mouth. I could tell that he had some experience as he kept a really good pace and control as he just let all the saliva flow.

Then all of a sudden "Aaaahhhh yeah!" I scream as I shoot my juices down his hungry throat. He then gets up and licks the rest of the cum from my face and kisses me hard. "What about that ticket?" I ask.

"What ticket?" He pats me on the ass and tells me to get going. I happily oblige, hoping that we would meet again one day. I wanted to say I'd be more careful about speeding, but it's so easy to lose track of how fast you're going.

Why Should I?

"Well I’m sorry,

but I won’t be forced to hide

Behind this wicked, stupid lie. "

___________

Why should I be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
Tell you just what you want to hear
Make it okay, sooth your fear.

Why should I be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
Tell you that I love boys
But we all know that’s just noise.

Why should I be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
Deny me hope, deny me love
Is this what you’re told to do, from the Almighty above?

Why should I be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
Just so you won’t see me?
Well then turn off your TV

Because I won’t be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
Does it disturb you
To know there are people out there who don’t do what you do.

Well I’m sorry, but I won’t be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
I won’t mask who I am
I won’t be a sham.

I won’t be forced to hide
Behind this wicked, stupid lie
And maybe you don’t like it
And maybe you won’t admit
That it goes on
Near your house, in your neighbors, or on your neighborhood’s lawns.

Why should I be forced to hide
Behind a wicked, stupid lie
When you can kiss who you please
And you just get called a tease.

I get called a dyke
Just for kissing who I love or like
Well I’m sorry, but I won’t be forced to hide
Behind this wicked, stupid lie.

I won’t sooth your fears
Or tell you just what you want to hear
Turn off your TV
If you don’t want to see
That wicked stupid lie
Being broken by people who refuse to hide.

Just like me.

Gay History

Zephyrus and Hyacinthus, Athenian Kylix (wine cup)

by Douris490-485 BCE, Boston Museum of Fine Arts

History is written by the victors. They choose what will be remembered, and what covered up. So it has been with male eros. Looking at any history textbook, one would think that never has a society praised love between men, never has a painter, a poet or a pope shared his bed and his heart with another male. Evidence of same-sex love has been either quietly suppressed, as with the Greeks and Romans, or quickly destroyed, as is still done with newly unearthed Inca and Mayan art. The result of this deception has been a needless polarization of society and untold suffering for those people who happen to fall in love with others of their own sex.

Uncensored, the historical record reveals an opposite reality: the male love instinct is a universal constant. Only society's attitude towards it has varied. All cultures have regulated male love, weaving varied tapestries of ritual around it. And a few have tried - to no avail - to regulate it out of existence.

Illuminated miniature of Shah Abbas I (1571-1629) of Persia, embracing his wine boy.

The poem reads “May life grant all that you desire from three lips, those of your lover, the river, and the cup.”

As a rule, male love was part of the social and religious fabric. From the city states of ancient Greece and Rome with its emperors (Trajan and Hadrian among others), to the Siberian shamans and Native American two-spirit medicine men, from the African tribesmen to Chinese emperors and scholars, people the world over understood and made space for men's vulnerability to the beauty of other males. They accepted that - whether married or not - men fell in love with men or youths, dreamt about them, wrote about them, fought over them, and took them to bed. And they usually understood that boy children were excluded from the game of love, to the same degree that they understood that girl children were excluded as well.

In Ancient Greece love between males was in many ways analogous to the marriages of the time, seen as equally important in the life of the individual, and enshrined in Greek mythology. It was the cornerstone of a cultural tradition that 2500 years ago provoked the awakening of democracy, theater, philosophy, mathematics, history, and so on. Male love was thought to bring out the best qualities in a youth, especially manliness and courage. In warfare soldiers often fought side-by-side with their beloveds, as in the renowned Theban band; later, led by Alexander the Great and his boyfriend Hephaestion, the Greeks conquered the known world. Greece, of course, was no Utopia: prostitution and rape, often attended by slavery, were common.

Miyakawa Choshun (1682-1753) -

The Go Game Individual panel from an shunga painting of silk done at the end of the eighteenth century, reprinted in The Love of Samurai, A Thousand Years of Japanese Homosexuality by Tsuneo Watanabe and Jun'ichi Iwata.

In Japan,apprentice Samurai paired up with older warriors to be trained in love and war, and even the shogun had - besides his concubines - many boyfriends, their "nanshoku" loves recorded by writers and shunga painters who immortalized "shudo," the Way of the Young. They likewise immortalized the hard lives of the "tobiko" or fly boys, traveling young kabuki actors who had to labor on stage by day and please their clients in bed by night.

In the Moslem lands, famous Iranian and Arab poets such as Hafiz i-Shirazi and Abu Nuwas praised and rued the charms of boys (whom they sometimes plied with wine and seduced). Sufi holy men from India to Turkey sought to find Allah by gazing upon the beauty of beardless youths. Storytellers enshrined gay love tales in the Thousand and One Nights. Artists like Riza i-Abbasi amused kings and princes with exquisitely wrought Persian miniatures and calligraphies. Mullahs and censors railed against male love, but men of all walks of life, from Caliphs to porters, delighted in it and all looked forward to being attended by "unaging youths as beautiful as pearls" once in paradise.

In North America and Siberia, shamanic traditions dating back to the stone age recognized the special spiritual powers of those men and women drawn to same-sex love, as we still see in the Native American two-spirit tradition, which survives to this day.

Domenico Cresti (called Passignano) 1560-1638

Bathers at San Niccolo Private collection.

In the pre-modern west, male love survived mostly underground, visible only when the lovers were unlucky enough to get caught, or when hinted at by artists brave enough to flout convention. Many writers, musicians, painters and poets depicted male love, but always in coded form: Michelangelo, who adorned the Sistine Chapel with vibrant male nudes; Shakespeare, who serenaded his darling boy in his sonnets; Blake who railed against priests "binding with briars my joys and desires;" Whitman, who sang the body electric. The list of luminaries, artists, statesmen, men of the cloth, knights and knaves who felt the pull of male love - by itself, or alongside the love of women - is endless.

The big lie that same-sex love is "against nature," a fiction which flies in the face of both biology and history, depends on censorship for its survival. We at the Androphile Project, gleaning the work of scholars in gay studies, aim to undo that censorship by publicizing gay love's role in man's spirit and culture: its successes, its failures, and the controversies it has given rise to over the millennia. We hope the prose and poetry, religion and mythology, art, philosophy and history collected here from around the world will serve to deepen understanding of male love's place in human nature. As this is being written (winter 2004), it could also illuminate the growing debate about gay marriage, a tradition documented the world over for thousands of years, but nowhere as widely or as recently as in North America, where it was practiced and honored by many of the First Nations.

The documents gathered here are the footprints of the Gay Muse, who has inspired men and women on every continent since the dawn of time. They bear witness to the fact that male love is irrepressible. Where forbidden, it has prevailed over stonings, burnings, lobotomies, schoolyard homophobia, the gallows and the gaol. Where welcomed, it has openly blossomed into the highest achievements of the human mind.

The Minx

I feel hands on my skin again. The fear grabs a hold of me, and I almost scream… “It’s just me baby,” he says. The muscles in my body loosen, and I know what’s about to come. I stifle a moan of mixed pain and pleasure as he pushes his sex past the rings of muscle and deep to the centre of me.

I look at the clock. “It’s one in the morning. Couldn’t this have waited?” He bullshits a story about how he was watching me sleeping, and couldn’t wait any longer. Then he eases out a bit. I stifle a moan. “But what if your parents hear us?”

His beautiful hazel eyes gaze into mine. “Let them hear. I don’t care.” I just look at him. He pushes back in; there is no quieting me now. I moan. He smiles. I open myself wider, and give him access to the deepest parts of me. “You little minx.”

My eyes fly open. My breath hitches, and I push into his next motion. We slam together. His pelvis rams into my body and I scream loud. My whole body shutters, and his inevitable eviction from my warmth has arrived. He pouts, and kisses my cheek.

“What was that for?” he asks, slowly caressing my nipple. He nibbles and licks my neck lustfully. “Hmm? What did I do to you?”

“Am I really a minx?” I bite his nipple playfully, and trail kisses down his abdomen. My hands slowly bring his member back to a fully aroused state. “I would prefer something that didn’t imply that I was a slut, but I suppose minx is fine.” I sigh in ecstasy as he enters me once more.

“Oh. The minx likes that?” His motions quicken. He brings me to a fully aroused state. He kisses me passionately.

Then rolls onto his side of the bed.

My eyes fly open. “What… the hell… are you doing?” I seethe. “You can’t do that to me. Again. You did this last night. I can’t handle this shit.”

And yet he sleeps quietly next to me. Darkness wraps me in her silk sheets, and binds me down. I never was good at the sleep part of life. Insomnia is my closest friend in the wee hours of the night, and I usually find myself with a deep lack of sleep. Being hopped up on caffeinated beverages is my remedy.

Tonight I realize just how alone I feel lying next to the one who should fulfill me. So I quietly leave the bed. I pack my belongings quietly, kiss you lightly on the forehead, and steal away into the night.

Do you realize how much I truly cared for you while all I got was lukewarm feelings reciprocated? I wonder as I walk into the hellish night that has become my true existence.

____________

I wrote this one for a friend.

Homo Santos: St Longinus the Centurion

A number of unnamed figures in the New Testament have been given names - for instance the women who wiped the face of Christ as he went to be crucified is known as "Veronica". The centurion of Matthew 27, who utter the words "truly this is the son of God", has long been celebrated as the martyr Longinus in both Orthodox and Roman churches. For this entry I am conflating him with the Roman soldier of Matthew 8:5-13/Luke 7:1-10 who approaches Jesus so that this "servant" might be cured. I think that this was done in the past, but am still searching for more information.

As Fr. Johh O'Neill has pointed out recently, there are several aspects to this story which might lend it to a gay reading. In the first place it seems somewhat odd that a centurion would be so caring about a slave, caring enough to risk ridicule by approaching a Jewish miracle worker for help. The underlying Greek text intensifies this suspicion of a possible homosexual relationship. Tom Horner, author of David Loved Jonathan: Homosexuality in Biblical Times, points out that in Matthew, the earlier account and directed to a Greek-speaking Jewish audience, the word for servant is "pais" - which means "boy", but can also mean "servant", and, given the rather greater than average concern for a servant demonstrated by the centurion, can also mean "lover". The word "pederasty" for instance derives from "pais". Luke, who was writing in a much more Greek milieu changes the word "pais" to the much more neutral "doulos" ("servant" or "slave"), presumably aware of its homosexual implications to any reader with a Greek cultural background. Jesus, clearly, does not condemn the centurion in this story of faith.

One interesting point here is that at every Catholic mass the communicants say the words of this centurion immediately before communion - the modern English slightly distorts the Latin - " Lord I am not worthy to receive you under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be cleansed".

Matthew

And when Jesus was entered into Capernaum, there came unto him a centurion, beseeching him, Mat 8:6 And saying, Lord, my servant lieth at home sick of the palsy, grievously tormented. Mat 8:7 And Jesus saith unto him, I will come and heal him. Mat 8:8 The centurion answered and said, Lord, I am not worthy that thou shouldest come under my roof: but speak the word only, and my servant shall be healed. Mat 8:9 For I am a man under authority, having soldiers under me: and I say to this man, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it. Mat 8:10 When Jesus heard it, he marvelled, and said to them that followed, Verily I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. Mat 8:11 And I say unto you, That many shall come from the east and west, and shall sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, in the kingdom of heaven. Mat 8:12 But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Mat 8:13 And Jesus said unto the centurion, Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour.

Luke

Luke 7:1 Now when he had ended all his sayings in the audience of the people, he entered into Capernaum. Luke 7:2 And a certain centurion's servant, who was dear unto him, was sick, and ready to die. Luke 7:3 And when he heard of Jesus, he sent unto him the elders of the Jews, beseeching him that he would come and heal his servant. Luke 7:4 And when they came to Jesus, they besought him instantly, saying, That he was worthy for whom he should do this: Luke 7:5 For he loveth our nation, and he hath built us a synagogue. Luke 7:6 Then Jesus went with them. And when he was now not far from the house, the centurion sent friends to him, saying unto him, Lord, trouble not thyself: for I am not worthy that thou shouldest enter under my roof: Luke 7:7 Wherefore neither thought I myself worthy to come unto thee: but say in a word, and my servant shall be healed. Luke 7:8 For I also am a man set under authority, having under me soldiers, and I say unto one, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it.

Luke 7:9 When Jesus heard these things, he marvelled at him, and turned him about, and said unto the people that followed him, I say unto you, I have not found so great faith, no, not in Israel. Luke 7:10 And they that were sent, returning to the house, found the servant whole that had been sick.

-Calendar of Gay Saints

Down

The sunset began to creep up over the horizon as the thunderstorm slowly tapered off and we were still sitting on the porch swing staring at the water puddles and the occasional car splashing by. The sunlight had a peculiar way of silencing the words that flowed so consistently from our lips. Yet I didn’t feel satisfied in your inability to truly open up.

And I find myself once again frustrated in another dead end that my incessant search for beauty always seems to take me. And I almost find it funny that my life revolves around seeking out beauty in every form, and yet beauty is something I will never hold in my hands, and will never be born from my hands.

And I find myself crashing down again as I’ve done so many times before, wishing for another time and place, wishing that I could again see your face. Wishing that there was more to life then dreaming and wishing.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. The fleeting taste of something I’ll never know.

Bench Fever

Bench Newest EDSA Billboard!

Damn! It is So Hot!

Catch it in froont of SM North EDSA

Speak Up

In the beginning there was balance
and it was good.
Introduce man,
some for law
others for chaos.
Balance was thrown away and
your results are today.

Present myself in this day and age,
being complete, letting the world knowing it
and I would recieve hatred and yet compassion.
There in lies balance,
but introduce,
law
chaos
and there lies the tipping of the scales.

I am allowed to speak,
as if I needed permission.
I am allowed to express,
as if anyone could stop me.
Try to be hateful,
you'll see nothing but judges of a biased system
and police who enforce unfounded rules.
Brutal supression only works,
if everyone accepts it.

Take away the foolish binds,
chains that drag the human spirit to
a painful submission.
Balance is the key,
but isn't allowed.
Ask yourself,
if you could speak,
what would you say?

The Satyr

"Find me in your dreams,

find me in your heart,

find me where our souls have met,

when the new moon starts"

Stars twinkled over the land from their vast indigo blanket of sky. Deep in the Northreach forest, a warm glow and cheery music rose up from the hidden glade as a bonfire roared in its center. The area was full of horned, hoof-shorned Satyr men. They danced and caroused about, drinking, eating and playing their instruments. It is well known that Satyrs are great party-people, and love their joyous and sometimes raucous affairs.

As the party wore on, one particulary graceful Satyr named Rociel stood and danced, playing his pipes along with the other men. His long white tail swished along with his hips as he moved, undulating about the fire. All the while, his amber eyes bore into another young Satyr, who was sitting along with some other men, eating, talking and laughing. He had caught sight of him earlier, and had not taken his eyes from him all night.

As if the young man could feel his gaze, his head turned, and his emerald eyes flickered as he caught sight of Rociel. Rociel continued to dance and stare at him, his movements becoming more beckoning, and he tossed his horns, flipping one long wine-coloured braid over his shoulder. The young Satyr stood and jauntily walked over, falling into step with the dance that Rociel had begun.

They moved together, untouching, but never looking away from each other. It was a dance of lust, and they both knew it. A kind of unspoken understanding had formed between them.

The song ended, and Rociel at once turned from the dark-haired man before him, swaying off from the fire and the rest of the men to the trees and darkness. He knew the other would follow.

He stopped at a large Dogwood tree. Blooms of fragrant pink flowers hung down over a thick carpet of moss. As he waited, he heard soft hoofsteps approaching him, then a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Quickly, he grabbed the young man and pulled him around, shoving him against the bark of the tree. He held him there and kissed him roughly. The young man seemed shocked at first, then returned the kiss, his arms going about Rociel's neck. Rociel put his arms around him, his large hand going up to entwine in the others silky dark hair. He broke the kiss.

"What's your name?" He asked urgently.

"Cyric." Came the breathless answer.

"Cyric," he said. "I"m going to have you."

And with that, he grabbed hold of the young man's horns, tilting back his head and voraciously nibbling at his throat. Cyric groaned and closed his eyes.

"Yes, yes... Have me any way you want," he said in a low moan. He arched against Rociel, pushing his already engorged sex into the soft white fur that covered his leg. Rociel returned the favour, his hips gyrating in a slow movement against Cyric, their organs rubbing against each other.

Rociel began travelling down Cyric's deeply tanned chest, his hungy lips finding the dark bud of his hard nipple. He bit it gently, then licked it, sucking it into his mouth. Cyric groaned, his head falling back to rest against the tree. Rociel continued further down Cyric's body, exploring with his mouth.

His hands rested on the younger man's thighs, and he stopped, pulling back to look up at the chestnut haired boy, giving him an almost teasing look. Cyric rocked his hips forward, his body churning with desire, the look on his face pleading. Rociel smiled up at him, then eagerly took the hard member into his mouth.

Cyric groaned loudly, his hands atop Rociel's dark burgundy hair as Rociel worked him. Sighing and panting with each lick, each suck, he began to shudder, signalling that he was about to explode.

Rociel pulled off him. "Not yet, beautiful. Not like that."

He pulled him from the tree and pushed him down to his knees on the lush carpet of moss, then moved behind him. He pulled Cyric up, so that he was sitting upright, and then used his own knee to spread the sandy-haired legs even further. Wrapping his arms around Cyric's lean chest from behind, he nibbled his ear gently as he positioned himself against the tight opening that lay hidden in the crevice of the boy's body.

He began to push in slowly, very slowly, yet steadily, against the tight, unyielding flesh. Cyric let a low moan, shifting his hips slightly, and Rociel was in, penetrating deeper into the hot flesh that squeezed him, held him. He pulled back and in again, the delicious friction was wonderful to him. His hips began to move easier as he rocked against Cyric. Rociel slipped his hand down to Cyric's member, bouncing in a wild dance in the air with each thrust he gave, and gripped it. He moved his hand in time with his own thrusts. Cyric's head lolled back against his shoulder as his back arched, his orgasm coming quickly, and soon Rociel was clinging tightly to him as his own orgasm wracked his body, his seed spilling deep within the quarters of Cyric.

The two men tumbled over to the ground, gasping and panting, clinging to each other. Cyric rolled over on his side, kissing Rociel. He lay his dark head on the others shoulder, sighing contently as Rociel held him, and soon fell asleep.

Light broke the next day, filtering through the pink Dogwood blooms to warm the cheek of Cyric. His emerald eyes fluttered open, he rolled over lazily to smile at Rociel.

He stopped. Rociel wasn't there.

He looked on his other side, still there was no Rociel.

He blinked. Then he noticed a deep purple bloom laying at the base of the tree. It was a hyacinth flower. He picked it up and noticed dangling from it was a golden locket. He looked at the locket, and smiled. He put it on over his head, the long chain allowing it to rest over his heart. He wandered off from the tree, back to where the party had been the night before, the smile never leaving his face.

The locket had read, "Find me in your dreams, find me in your heart, find me where our souls have met, when the new moon starts. My name is Rociel."

Tres Años

Oh My God!

HUSH AND LISTEN

IS NOW THREE YEARS OLD!

I actually almost forgot. Today marks this silly space of mine its Third Year! Whew! Yes! It has been three years or at least as the archive of this blog would suggest, I posted my very first article on this blog last October 04, 2004 and previously titled: Confessions of Cairo.

To be honest though, i didnt enjoy blogging way back as much I am enjoying it this year. I dont know really why. Maybe because I dont really anything about blogging (neither I think about it now anyway - lolz) back then. A friend of mine just inserted a blogging page for me to lined up all my poems and essays for the personal webpage cum portfolio that I am asking him to do. So this blog page is really accidental, so to speak. But hey, as I would always say, I AM SO PROUD OF THIS PAGE!

Fellow Bloggers, Friends, and Especially CRITICS - for and against what is posted here, makes me feel more and more proud of what this blog have become. From an accidental blog to a full pledge self sufficient and living blog that reaches to across the worLd (Oh Yeah argue with me with this statement) Hush and Listen, as I would like to believe, have reached its blog maturity. I am still awe by the figures and charts of this blog. Never did thought that people would actually read things written here especially mostly it is theme with melancholic thought, agony, despair and not to mention the poignant poems. But Hey, YOU GUYS are so fucking terrific! For that I will always be indebted.

and to my misery who have been my gasoline and conitnously fueling with the inspiration of sad thoughts, thank you for defining me everyday to be a better and bolder writer.

To all my friends who have been my inspiration in some of the Gay Eroticas (OOooopss! Better Scratch this one, they might not tell me their stories).

To All that have been and will be Finalist of The G* Spot Weblog Award, Guys You are the Certainly a GREAT BLOG, worthy of reading! Truly indeed you are all an epitome of true blogging!

To All my Co Authors at United SEA, Keep the Flame Burning!

And Most Importantly, To ALL my Faithful Readers,

MARAMING SALAMAT!

THANK YOU!

ARIGATO!

MERCI BEAUCOUP!

MUCHAS GRACIAS!

HUSH AND LISTEN is now officially entering its Fourth Year. Better. Bolder. Sexier. Hard Hitting. So Watch Out!

Asian Candies: "Sensitive Ninz"

"Pains are inflicted to those who have a Heart"

-ninz

Sign: Taurus

Status: Dating

Orientation: Bisexual

Ethnicity: Asian/Pacific Islander

Occupation: Quality Assurance Supervisor

Music: Sarah Mclachlan, Norah Jones, Babyface, TLC, Kylie Minogue, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Rihanna, Beyonce, Nelly Furtado, Kelly Clarkson, Neeyo, Maroon 5, Kaskade, D'sound, Chris Gaines, Usher, Shanice, Whitney Houston, Dave matthew's band, dishwalla, Damien Rice.. to name a few.. hehehe... ;)

Movies: romantic comedys, sad & miserable movies.. haha..

Television: what's that? hehe.. (haven't had tym to watch tv ever since i started to work..) Altho i love watching series.. Friends Will & Grace Heroes Desperate Housewives etc..

Books/Magazines: Harry Potter book 1 till the very last book! ;)

Idols: God of course.. my parents.. my best friends.. and ME!!! hehehe...

Nino Cruz aka Ninz

Who Is Nino Cruz?

i dunno.. u tell me.. hehehe.. ;) altho i see myself as a person with few words.. m an observer.. i dnt talk much.. ;) I'm not usually all that chatty, but when I feel strongly about something, I'll go on about it -- at length. hehehehe... ;) some lines i'd like to share to everyone visiting my profile.. ;) If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay... Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be... If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserved then heck.. no.. you can't be friends. A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend!!! Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.. The only person you can control in a relationship is you..

There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; HE DOESNT WANT YOU!!! If he doesn't call, he just isn't interested!!! Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on)... You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within! Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard!!! -- i like this!!! hehehe... :)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are.. even if he has more education or is in a better job.. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that... Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life.. - true!!!

Love is a verb ... its an ACTION word!!! - u-huh!!! Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving. don't wish a man will change for you!!! If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else..-rule #1! You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship... You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complementary... not supplementary...

NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it... A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it - but it takes two to make it work... - damn ryt!!!! Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.. oh yeah!!! Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent... -i agree!!!

___________

Do you I Need to say more why this guy deserves to be one of the Asia Candies?

Unhappily Ever After

I'm carving away the calluses so that I can feel again, here in my world of illusions where I fool myself into believing that what I feel is real. And there you are amidst all the chaos, more then anything I could ever believe; too beautiful to be real, too imaginative to be true; too true to be mine. And when I woke up and saw your face this morning when I opened my eyes, I spent fifteen minutes figuring out if it's just another false awakening, or if you were really there. Finally I realize that it was true; and that I was going to be late for work if I didn't get moving. I climbed out of bed and got dressed. I looked back at you still sleeping as I smoked my morning's cigarette and wore a small smile; a wish come true and yet I'm still not happy. I walk out the door wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.

I sit here at work fidgeting with my rubics cube, not even trying to make an effort to pay attention to the client on the phone. And I find myself drowning in my most shallow thoughts and slowly drift off into unrememberable daydreams. And I wonder what you're doing right now, if you're still in a dream of the life that I stole you away from; or if you've woken up to a moment's startle as you try to recall where you are, and then burry your head in my pillow as you realize that you're still here, so far from home, too close to me; and there's no way to turn back.

I guess it's too late now to take back our wishes; dreaming of the days we lived before we had made this choice, shedding a tear for each day we want to return to; holding each other out of fear and loneliness rather then affection. We both lie awake in the purplish glow radiating from my computer box, pretending to be asleep. We hold our breath for as long as possible so we can at least appreciate the air we breathe, and being alive somehow. We wish upon my glowing stars on my ceiling for our happily-ever-after; and pray silently that we would disappear. I'm going to disappear.

The G* Spot Award: October 2007

The G* Spot Weblog Award is Back this Month.

The Finalist are:

To this month's finalist, Congratulation!

Touch Me

"Hold me... Touch Me.."

“Do you want this?” I whisper softly… Why are the tears beginning to flow? Your eyes are so warm, so caring…the only part of you that isn’t frozen. The only part of you that I can see, that I can feel…All this time, you were this fortress, this cold stone; a wall that could never be breached. But the moment I left you defeated by your defenses, you tear down your wall and reveal yourself.


How could this be? Are you truly here? Have you really shown all of yourself to me? I’m wondering why, I’m wondering how this could happen only when you see me in pain, lower than you, tired of begging for you, completely spent… Is it pity? Do you feel safe that I truly am no threat? Or is it something else? Whatever the case I will try, I will try to let you in, take all that I can have of you for whatever reason…but i'm tired.


You reach out to me, you reach out to me this time…I take your hands into my own, I take your eyes into my own…


“I don’t want you to cry, not for me...” so sweetly your lips move, so warm are your eyes… But the tears are still falling. Your fingers reach up and trace my lips softly, we are in sadness together. You take in a short gasp, and I see your eyes begin to grow with love, the tears falling down for me.


Never would I have imagined such a sight, this must be real, you must be real.
Suddenly you kiss me, so deeply I am awakened from my shadows. I swoon into you and let it take over. Our bodies are so cold ,so harsh. Can we really warm each other?


I feel you groan for more, reaching once more for me, for me. Your breath is on my skin, the ice melting away swiftly. Your spirit creeping up my neck breathing me in more intensely than ever before, “ I do, I do need you…” you cry softly.The purest of saints could not have said something sweeter.

Your lips are my verification, your eyes, my escape. Now make it hurt.

Maging sa Dapit Hapon (The Traslation)

When I posted "Maging sa Dapit Hapon" Paul of Bedtime Stories have requested for a translation. I did promised the guy that ill try to come up with one... Admittedly, I forgotten about it not until a recent reader of this blog tries to translate "Maging sa Dapit Hapon".

Impressive really and I really appreciate the effort especially when the guy wrtten his second stab of the translation to revise the first one he made. So to Paul and to Jimg29, allow me:

In the starless nights,

Unhappy times,

Unforgiving Hearts

of those persuaded by exhaustion

on verge of shattered glasses

decomposing woods,

impending uncertainty,

perfection of insufficiency,

oneness,

In the absence of love

when guiding lights are unfound,

when twilight blaze the dusking sky

set the dying light ablaze

litburn the candle..

I will remain... I will Exist...

and I would Never be Forgotten.

__________

Shout Back Guys!
But of course poems are beautiful on their original version as voices of the hearts move your hand to create something beautiful.

The Rut

I'm back to where I started again. I wonder if this cycle will ever end. No matter how much I change everything seems to stay the same. I suppose that can be a good thing, but I'm just tired of living the same day over and over again. No day has any significant value, no wonderful memory that I'm going to reflect on five years from now; I don't even have anything to write about anymore, I've already written about every aspect of this infinitely repetitive day and all 3 emotions that I feel during it. I need a change. I need to live again. Am I really as trapped as I feel? Change can't really be that hard. But I moved to a completely different state hoping for change, but the only thing that changed was my environment; it was the same shit, just a different place. This rut is not environmental; it's myself that needs to change.......

An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path. He wasn't certain of which direction to go, and he'd forgotten both where he was traveling to and who he was. He'd sat down a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly and with a cackle, spoke:

"Now for your *third* wish, what will it be?"

"Third wish?" The man was baffled

"How can it be a third wish if I haven't had a first and second wish?"

"You've had two wishes already," the hag said

"but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish. That's why you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes." She cackled at the poor man, "so it is that you have one with left."

"All right," said the man "I don't believe this; but there's no harm in wishing. I wish to know who I am"

"Funny," said the old woman as she granted his wish and disapeared forever,

"That was your first wish."

- Planescape Torment

Deja Vu

It's becoming so hard to tell the difference between dreaming and being awake; another false awakening, another unconscious memory; existing in a state of perpetual deja vu. And it's so easy to believe your words, because in every whisper, I dream that what your saying is true. And I never understood why I always felt guilty when I was really happy; why I would sabotage great things in my life just to bring me back down. But now I'm realizing that it's just another defense mechanism; my subconscious warning me that if I feel this way there must be something wrong. And so now I'm fighting your words with the guilt that's welling up inside me, trying to shut out every word you say... trying to prolong this incipient madness.

The more I read what I write the more pathetic I become. Spilling out my insecurities for strangers to read, like a child screaming for attention. And I have run out of angles to view the same day, the same conversations; the same events that have played over and over for the last year. And I've become so claustrophobic in my tiny world of empty glances, absent minded production, and medicated sleep. I’m sick of hiding behind my computer, and yet I’m too much of a fucking pussy to stop hiding. The spells of dizziness and confusion are getting worse; and I think I'm beginning to hear the angel dying as I begin to see my real age showing on my face.

___________

Note:

Allow me to take this time to apologize to the people who have been victim of inconvenience because of my absence in blogdom especially with respect to the G* Spot Weblog Award. I was detained by work, family, personal matter and some offline shits! In relation to the September race, conferring with the group and c0gnizant of the "two" winners of the August Race - Shaney and Daniel. We are giving Shaney the August Spot and Daniel being the honorary winner of the said award will be getting the September G* Spot. (The Button will be emailed to you guys, sorry for the trouble) The G* Spot Weblog Award will resume on October. The List are getting long really.

Lastly, I really miss writing. So I hope this post will mark the end of my slumber.

To All those faithful readers - comrades and critics alike. Thank you so much.

Drowned

I opened my eyes in confusion. I saw the dim shadows of the night-light dance on the water just in front of my eyes. The pounding in my head echoed the pounding of the water against it. I tried to regain full consciousness, I tried to push myself up off of my stomach, but I didn't have the strength for either, and my face fell pressed once again against the hard white acrylic tub. I choked on the steam when I inhaled, I knew the hot water falling on me from the shower head above would've been quite painful, were I able to feel anything. But I felt nothing at all, and that's exactly where I always want to be.

The screaming in my head became louder as the water level continued to rise, covering my nose. I lifted my head for a moment before it fell again in the dizziness and nausea that overcame me. I fumbled for the plug and pulled it out, suddenly becoming aware of giggling coming from outside the shower, and I fought again to figure out what I was doing here, to figure out what was going on, but the last thing I could remember was being at the cast party. I felt a hand scooping water out and pouring it again over my head, and swearing at how hot the water was. The water level still wasn't receding, I could no longer breath. I tried to lift my head again but almost threw-up from the dizziness. The heat of the water, the alcohol, the sleeping pills began to overtake me again as I slipped out of consciousness once more.

I awoke cold, naked, shivering on the bathroom floor, the sun light just beginning to peak through the blinds, as I tried to piece together last night's events. I tried to sit up but was overcome with dizziness again. I managed to open the bathroom door and crawl my way to my bedroom. I climbed up into my bed where you were sleeping. I pulled myself up to my pillow, pulling the blanket off of you and around me. I continued to shiver as I waited for the warmth to catch up with me. I felt your arms wrap around me, with a whispered "I love you" before my consciousness once again slipped away from me...

Dementia

During night time, you sleep and leave the world of disarray and madness for the dim lit world of mundane abandoned fantasies. Your body makes unconscious movements while you walk the world of reveries and illusions.


As for me, while the entire world is sleeping, I wait for my love. And together we’ll roam the vast night sky.


It might be the lonely game I play - the quest for blood or the sensation of my body splitting into two or the dizzy feeling I get in the first few hours of the day.


Here I go again…

Here comes the pain that is slicing through my throat and the blood that is beginning to gush. My eyes started to embrace the color of the night. Tongues of fire with temperature unknown to human measures began to lash my skin. Pins started prickling through each part of my belly as if slicing it.


1....






2....






3....






And so the world slept and I conquered the world.


While the world was dreaming, I was on top of them all and I proclaimed, “Tonight my love, I offered you the world.”


The next morning, I woke up with my belly raging up with pangs of agony and pain. My throat feels rough and scarred and my tongue is all dried up. Every tinge of pain my body receives brings about bittersweet sensations that linger until the daylight fades again into the darkness that splits me into two.


Beside me lies a limb of an unknown creature with organs forcefully scathed out of its torn skin. The stench of this corpse irritated my nose extremely that I vomited a few paws and fingers. And so I rushed to the toilet with the feeling of regurgitation of the contents of my stomach and I give my best shot to dispose of it all. I cleansed my hands that were stained down to every bit of nail by crimson sticky solution.


My body is filled with a familiar scarlet substance, sticking its every entity with my skin. My stomach hurts like hell and I want to lie in bed for a few hundred hours. I was painfully exhausted.

For many centuries, I walked the world waiting for my love to come. All that came to me was things that guises as my love.


I conquered the world each night and offered to him the world.


And they said you had risen, while I was dreaming.


But then, I was, above all things, satisfied.