Monday, September 17, 2007

Deja Vu

It's becoming so hard to tell the difference between dreaming and being awake; another false awakening, another unconscious memory; existing in a state of perpetual deja vu. And it's so easy to believe your words, because in every whisper, I dream that what your saying is true. And I never understood why I always felt guilty when I was really happy; why I would sabotage great things in my life just to bring me back down. But now I'm realizing that it's just another defense mechanism; my subconscious warning me that if I feel this way there must be something wrong. And so now I'm fighting your words with the guilt that's welling up inside me, trying to shut out every word you say... trying to prolong this incipient madness.

The more I read what I write the more pathetic I become. Spilling out my insecurities for strangers to read, like a child screaming for attention. And I have run out of angles to view the same day, the same conversations; the same events that have played over and over for the last year. And I've become so claustrophobic in my tiny world of empty glances, absent minded production, and medicated sleep. I’m sick of hiding behind my computer, and yet I’m too much of a fucking pussy to stop hiding. The spells of dizziness and confusion are getting worse; and I think I'm beginning to hear the angel dying as I begin to see my real age showing on my face.

Allow me to take this time to apologize to the people who have been victim of inconvenience because of my absence in blogdom especially with respect to the G* Spot Weblog Award. I was detained by work, family, personal matter and some offline shits! In relation to the September race, conferring with the group and c0gnizant of the "two" winners of the August Race - Shaney and Daniel. We are giving Shaney the August Spot and Daniel being the honorary winner of the said award will be getting the September G* Spot. (The Button will be emailed to you guys, sorry for the trouble) The G* Spot Weblog Award will resume on October. The List are getting long really.

Lastly, I really miss writing. So I hope this post will mark the end of my slumber.

To All those faithful readers - comrades and critics alike. Thank you so much.


cant_u_read said...

what does one have to be guilty about in "existing in a state of perpetual deja vu" or "Spilling out [my] insecurities for strangers to read, like a child screaming for attention" when he inspires the very same strangers that love to give him attention?

i believe there's none.

keep "screaming for attention", khalel. people are benefitting from that.


khalel said...

rye, thanks! thats so sweet!

Anonymous said...

Hush... stop hiding. Chose wisely to let down your defences, but they have no room if such beautiful dreams are to become such beautiful reality. Destiny awaits, darkness does NOT lurk around each corner....

Don't let the walls you build to protect yourself imprison you.

Why are THE WORDS whispered so easy to believe this time? ... Think carefully, listen ... this time they might just be TRUE!

:-) ...BJ
Forgive me entering your domain...

Anonymous said...

Josh glad ur back, so when we will u be guesting in kit's? hehehe

Thirty3 Naeked Laydies said...

K, I believe that we were all born to be happy. we were all born to learn and grown and not be bullies and be happy. what do you wnat out of THIS life? what makes you HAPPY. Vision it... and take little steps... everyday... to make it come to LIFE.

we all have insecurities... your sharing is part of your healing. Your sharing is part of my fantastic life.