Wednesday, November 22, 2006

free fallin'

Freefall descension, like that reoccurring dream. Surrounded by darkness and falling endlessly into darkness, except now I cant seem to pull myself out of the nightmare. Waiting impatiently for time to run out sending me crawling back to where I had started. Another failed attempt at another unattainable dream.

Another attempt at trying to be something Im not. As every day passes I see more clearly who Im not, yet I grow ever farther away from finding out who I am. Im starting to think that I will never figure out who I am. And maybe theres nothing there to figure out.

Maybe Im just another nameless face in the massive crowd of people with nothing to distinguish me from anyone else. Such a situation has its good parts, I no longer have much desire for fame or attention. Yet theres the overwhelming fear of living an insignificant life, or just being another waste of space, air, and time.

Yet when I try to rise above, when I think I may have found an identity, when I try to do or make something that matters I fall short and am forced to come crawling back to where I started.

There are so many things that I know how to do, so many things that could almost be considered talents, but my problem lies in that there is no single thing that I excel at. Everything I make, say, or do is met by more criticism then compliments or gratitude. And I wish that just one time my best could be good enough.

And now I prepare to come crawling back home to you as a failure, a disappointment, a disgrace. I dont know what youre going to say but I dont much care. You refused to help me, you werent there when I needed you; you abandoned me. Yet when I return I know youre going to act as though nothing happened, nothing was wrong. But I will not be with you long, my return to you will be short, and then I will be moving on elsewhere. I havent the faintest clue where I will go to, I dont much care at this point. I think you know how much I miss you, but you dont have the smallest idea how much I hate you. I look forward to telling you to your face, and then leaving home once again in another attempt at another unattainable dream.

1 comment:

Joshua said...

Hey! I found out that you can join GMR if you open a profile under old blogger - then you'd join up with that old profile :)