Defining Beauty

you be the judge.

Emotional Suidcide

It seems as though every time I look in the mirror I see a different person looking back at me.

Sometimes that person seems beautiful,

most of the time however the person I see is annoying,

intolerable,

frightening,

ugly,

and pathetic.

I see so many things that I have been,

so many more things that I could have been.

So much I have poured down the drain just to induce the tears

and regrets that seem to feed some kind of fucked up craving in me;

a repetitious emotional suicide.

The G* Spot Weblog Award

The G* Spot Weblog Award will be on a weekly basis.

Five finalists will be selected every week from the nominations thru the comment space of this post or thru the email address, khalelian@yahoo.com

The categories are:

The Story Blog
The Photo Blog

Weekly Winners will be automatically nominated for the particular month where it will be join by other winners from the same month for The Blog of the Month.

The voting phase at THE G* SPOT WEBLOG AWARD is a public and open process -- so take a look at all the blogs that are finalists -- you just might find some amazing (and often sexy) new reads.

For the benefit of the voting public's pickle mind, you will be allowed to make a multiple vote BUT you will ONLY be allowed to vote once for that particular week.

Voting will close every monday (Philippine Standard Time) winners will be announced and will be notified with a winner's trophy button where they can place in their respective blogs.

Nominations is now officially open...

_______

*great

Khalel: For Sale?

In one of routinary bloghop, i found this.

Humanforsale.com will try to evaluate your "monetary worth" as human by answering their rather lengthy survey form. Just for fun I indulge you to take the survey and know your "worth."

After answering their survey, truthfully as i can, the generated page tells me that I am actually and exactly worth $5,333,286.00 and nothing more and was name as most expensive male for this day.

________

compliments to joy of www.filipinolesbian.blogspot.com for pointing me to the website.

Sad though that both of us was devaluated by $ 40, 000 simply because we are members of the LGBT community.

Asian HeatWave: Polo Ravales

He’s got rugged good looks, smoldering eyes, a chiseled physique, hairy chest, aquiline nose and bronze complexion; Polo Ravales is just oozing in testosterone and is ablaze with sex appeal. It’s no doubt that this sun-kissed hottie is ripe for the picking!



This complete repacking is bound to shoot this young star to new heights after he was handpicked to be the latest style star to represent fashion house Folded & Hung’s latest campaign.

After spending his earlier years in show business in teenybopper roles, Ravales sheds his old skin and takes a plunge into serious acting land. The 23-year-old got rave reviews for his role in the play Penis Talk Reloaded, which signaled the former teen star’s entry into more mature drama.

Although Polo welcomed the change in image, he admits to having put a lot of effort into it.

“I felt I wasn’t ready for it yet. Not only acting-wise but because I didn’t have the proper physique. So I had to work hard for it,” Polo said.



The change seems to have all worked for the good, leading to further highly popular roles in Encantadia, Now and Forever, indie film Roomboy, and the Metro Manila Film Festival top-biller Blue Moon. His latest movie is Joel Lamangan's "Manay po" whom he played as a straight acting gay.

_________

acknowledgement

photos from folded and Hung, Penis Talk, and Hunky Male Celeb
Quotes from various magazine

Hindi Mo Ako Pag Aari

"gagawin ko ang aking nais gawin."

Hindi mo ako pag-aari, kung kaya't hindi mo akong kayang diktahan.
Walang may hawak ng aking tinig kundi ako at ako lang
Walang tali ang aking mga kamay, lalo na ang aking kamalayan
Kung kaya't hahayaan ko itong pumayagpag

Hindi mo ako pag-aari, walang sino man
Walang ibang maglalagay ng titik sa aking mga sipi kundi ako lang
Walang taong didighay sa kung anong wika ang aking isasambit
Malaya ako, lalakeng pinagpaguran ang aking kalayaan

Hindi mo ako pag-aari, magpahanggan pa man
Walang maaring makapag-ari ng aking pagkatao
Walang maaring makapagpigil sa kung ano ang aking gusto
Walang sino man ang maaaring maniil sa indayog at ihip ng aking malay

Ang isip mo ang lumikha na maari mong ariin ang iyong kapwa
Sinundan ng lipunan at ng simbahan ang yapak ng iyong daan
Hindi mo ba naiintindihan? Ako ay may kanyang isip at may kamalayan
Hindi mo ako pag-aari, walang sino man.

_________

Thats ME in the photo. forgive the hair, am on the beach after all. lolz

taken in one of our trip in puerto galera.

free fallin'

Freefall descension, like that reoccurring dream. Surrounded by darkness and falling endlessly into darkness, except now I cant seem to pull myself out of the nightmare. Waiting impatiently for time to run out sending me crawling back to where I had started. Another failed attempt at another unattainable dream.

Another attempt at trying to be something Im not. As every day passes I see more clearly who Im not, yet I grow ever farther away from finding out who I am. Im starting to think that I will never figure out who I am. And maybe theres nothing there to figure out.

Maybe Im just another nameless face in the massive crowd of people with nothing to distinguish me from anyone else. Such a situation has its good parts, I no longer have much desire for fame or attention. Yet theres the overwhelming fear of living an insignificant life, or just being another waste of space, air, and time.

Yet when I try to rise above, when I think I may have found an identity, when I try to do or make something that matters I fall short and am forced to come crawling back to where I started.

There are so many things that I know how to do, so many things that could almost be considered talents, but my problem lies in that there is no single thing that I excel at. Everything I make, say, or do is met by more criticism then compliments or gratitude. And I wish that just one time my best could be good enough.

And now I prepare to come crawling back home to you as a failure, a disappointment, a disgrace. I dont know what youre going to say but I dont much care. You refused to help me, you werent there when I needed you; you abandoned me. Yet when I return I know youre going to act as though nothing happened, nothing was wrong. But I will not be with you long, my return to you will be short, and then I will be moving on elsewhere. I havent the faintest clue where I will go to, I dont much care at this point. I think you know how much I miss you, but you dont have the smallest idea how much I hate you. I look forward to telling you to your face, and then leaving home once again in another attempt at another unattainable dream.

Asian HeatWave: Borgy Manotoc

If there is one man I fantasized getting in bed that is Borgy Manotoc.

born on April 9, 1983, in Honolulu. He is the grandson of the late Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos and son of re-elected Ilocos Norte representative Imee Marcos. His father, sportsman Tommy Manotoc, gave him the moniker Borgy, after the tennis icon Bjorn Borg. Manotoc has vague recollections of his childhood.

The EDSA Revolution, which deposed Marcos and sent the First Family into exile, is history to him. His earliest memory of childhood was studying in London. The Manotocs travelled intensively and lived in Portugal. Florida and Singapore before returning to the Philippines. He went to Ateneo and International School, then started his college course in San Diego before transferring to New York.

Borgy is a model/actor in the Philippines. To legions of Filipino consumers, the memory of advertising image of Manotoc’s lean, muscular frame and six-pack abs, encased only in a pair of Bench jeans still lingers.

Manotoc doesn’t exactly fit the mould of the glamorous bachelor with the jet-setting lifestyle in the back book of glamorous girlfriends. He is the antithesis to the Filipinos’ perception of a Marcos. The Marcoses are known for their dramatic and fashionably late entrances. Manotoc is punctual for his appointments. His family is “perplexed,” as Manotoc says, that he chucks in read meat and fancy cuisine for tofu, soy patties and veggie burgers, and colas for soy milk.

His grandmother, former First Lady Imelda Marcos, his mother, Representative Maria Imelda “Imee” Marcos and his aunt, Irene Araneta, are in fashion’s Hall of fame for their unerring taste in designer clothes and blingblings. Manotoc, on the other hand, shops in New York’s thrift shop and vintage boutiques for clothes that express his individuality. If the Marcosses have been notorious for their flash and panache, Manotoc is the quintessential G.I or Genuine Ilocacano.

His prudence is trait inherent in the people of Marcos country, Ilocos. “I’m kuripot [frugal] all the way. At times I splurge but I save a lot. It’s part of who I am. It’s important to think of my goals. Money is very fleeting; and it’s not easy to acquire, I try to make do what I can. There’s no need to live an excessive lifestyle. I don’t need it,” he says.

Unlike the Marcoses who where encircled by sycophants in their halcyon days. Manotoc is quick to deflect any kind of flattery.” It’s important to surround yourself with good people. My friends have treated me no differently, regardless of the celebrity status I have achieved,” He adds that his brothers keep him from getting swell-headed. “That’s the way our dynamics are. That’s what I love about them. They keep me in check.”

Manotoc’s enthusiasm, simplicity, clear thinking and candour – to say nothing of his rugged looks and flushing white teeth win admiration. He is characteristically polite, graciously excusing himself to answer a call from his mother. Later on, he insists on picking on the tab, instead of allowing this journalist to exercise etiquette when interviewing sources.

He is the antithesis to the Filipinos’ perception of a Marcos… If the Marcoses have been notorious for their flash and panache, Manotoc is the quintessential G.I. or Genuine Ilocano.”

A health buff, Manotoc slowly eats his fruit platter and eschews the cottage cheese. His lunch is accompanied by a glass of ice cold water. He reveals that the ambience of a five-star hotel is not part his world. “I live two different lives. My reality here and my reality abroad are so completely opposite,” he says.

He is a junior at the City College of New York, majoring in advertising and public relations, and works part-time at an independent record label, earning modestly doing A & R. Like most locals, he goes around the city by foot or by subway. More than anything, he enjoys a democratic society that accepts him for being himself. He sees life in New York as a quest for testing his powers, yet he knows he would meet a host of a college student to that of a “bottom feeder of society, scrounging around for the next meal.” When Imelda Marcos is in New York, Borgy is shown affluence – the limousine service, fancy restaurant and Waldorf-Astoria. From his school in East Harlem, an unglamorous part of New York, he meets her in midtown. “I couldn’t even go to this place she was taking me because I didn’t have a suit,” he says. “That’s not my everyday kind of thing. But I get to see the whole social hierarchy.”

During Christmas and summers, Manotoc flies home to the Philippines, where he is exposed to the lifestyle of the elite and faces the blessing and the curse of being grandson of President Ferdinand Marcos. “I was always this free-wheeling kid. I never thought about who I was. It was a humbling experience to learn about being part of something bigger than you, “he says.

For all his effervescence and playfulness, Manotoc reveals that he’s also not the easiest person to live with, especially with undercurrents of stubbornness and impulsiveness. He admits that he could borrow a lesson on compromise and balance. “I do everything at full steam all the time. It’s hard to live with me because I either go all the way or not at all. I can get up and down. If people are not consistent, it’s hard to predict the way they are going to act. At the same time, I like people that way because they keep me interested.”

This year, Manotoc is looking ahead at what is still out there to be conquered. “I don’t believe in fate, but I believe in creating destiny. It’s up to us to fulfill it.”

Presently, with her Grandmother creating beautiful jewerly colletions, Borgy is humored to run for the Mayoralty race in Manila.

_________

Acknowledgement:

Most Beatiful Men and Blue soda for the Photos

Various Magazine articles featuring Borgy Manotoc.

Bitay

AN Iranian man convicted of sodomy was publicly hanged in the western town of Kermanshah, the official news agency IRNA reported.

The man, identified as Shahab Darvishi, was charged for “moral corruption, battering and sodomy”.

The public hanging drew hundreds of cheering people. The execution brings to at least 117 the number of people executed in Iran this year.

Amnesty International has said there were 94 executions in Iran in 2005.

Capital offences in the Islamic republic include murder, rape, armed robbery, apostasy, blasphemy, serious drug trafficking, repeated sodomy, adultery or prostitution, treason and espionage.

Above:

Mahmoud Asgari, 16, and Ayaz Marhoni, 18, were publicly hanged on 19 July 2005 - charges of homosexuality

I always come up Empty

There are so many people I'm trying to be. So many titles I'm trying to earn.

A writer,

an artist,

a musician,

intelligent,

attractive,

wealthy,

creative,

talented.

I seek attention, and as much as I deny it, I seek praise. When you're told throughout your childhood that you're slow, stupid, ugly, a failure, an outcast, a freak, a waste, you either give in and admit defeat, or you do everything you can to prove those titles wrong.

Sitting in an overwhelming pile of impossible deadlines, projects, expectations, and trying to excel at everything, the stress builds up. The dizzy spells, the loss of appetite, insomnia, stomach pain, headaches, loss of energy; all I can do is work, but I cant even focus on that.

I'm trying so hard to be everything that I've always dreamed, to be everything that everybody said I would never be. Trying to be happy, inspirational, successful.

I'm trying so hard to live a dream that I can't seem to wake myself up to realize that I am none of what I'm trying so hard to be.

I'm trying so hard to excel at everything that I excel at nothing.

No matter what I try to do I will always come up empty.

Banal na Aso

"Hindi Pagkain ang Aso!"

Matagal tagal na rin akong di gumagawa ng sulating filipino at sa pagkakataong ito minarapat kong isulat sa sariling wika ang lathalaing ito.

Kagabi usapin sa "correspondent" ang tungkol sa mga aso, sa pagkatay at pagkain nito.Oo, ito ang nakaklungkot na katotohanan, na sa kabila ng batas na umiiral sa pagbabawal sa pagkakatay at pagkain ng mga ito ay patuloy itong isinasagawa ang lantad na lihim na ito na madalas ay nagaganap sa bulubundukin ng Mt Province at mga karatig bayan nito. At hindi rin makakaila na maging dito mismo sa siyudad ng kalakhang Maynila, paborito pa ring pulutan ang mga aw aw.

"Sino nga ba ang hayup sa inyong dalawa?"

Lumaki ako sa isang pamilyang mapagmahal sa hayop. Ako ata lahat na ng hayop na pwedeng maalagaan inalagaan ko na - ahas, daga, manok, ibon, pusa at siyempre pa nga ang aso. Sa katanuyan, noong nakaraang Agosto lang ay pagkamatay ng mga tutang alaga ko ang sanhi ng pagpatak ng maramaing luha ko para sa taong ito. Masakit na sa kabila ng lahat, maging hanggang sa huling pamamaraan ng pagsasalin ng dugo sa kanila ng kanilang beterinaryo ay nabigo kaming isalba ang kanilang mga munting buhay.

"Sigh"

Kung kaya't ang usapin tungkol sa kabrutalan ng paraan ng pagkakatay sa mga hayop ito ay sadyang me pitak aking puso. Halos maririnig sa kanilang mga tahol ang pagmamakaawa para sa kanila buhay, lalot na nga bang tayong mga tao ay itinuring nila mga matalik na kaibigan. Nakakalungkot isipin na ang patuloy na inaabusong dahilan ay ang kulturang pinagmulan lalo na nga ba't pilit na tinutukoy ng ilan na ang pagkatay at pagkain sa mga aso at pagsasaalang alang sa kulturang kinagawian mula pa sa mantang panahon ng pagsasagawa ng mga ritwal.

The Reality Is:
Innocence And Unconditional Love Betrayed By People
Who Are Nothing But Soulless Demons From Hell!

Wala akong tutol kung sa layunin ng pagbibigay pugay sa Dakilang Lumikha ang dahilan ng pagkatay, o panalangin sa paghingi ng lunas sa mga karamdaman ng ating mga ninuno tulad na nga ng nakagawain ng mga kapatid na igorot.

Ang hindi ko matatanggap ay ang walang habas na pagkatay ng mga ito para gawing pulutan ng mga taong nais patunayan ang kanilang pagiging lalake o simpleng pagnanais makatikim ng kakaibang putahe kalahok ang pagtagay ng gin o beer.

At wag na wag mong ikakatwirang dahil sa kahirapan kung kaya't mas pinili mong kumain ng aso dahil sa kamahalan ng mga karne ng baboy at baka. Eh hindi nga ba't me salaping pambili ka ng alak na tutunggain mo.

Nakakalungkot na maging ang mga ninunong noong ay pinag alayan ng mga Banal na Asong ito upang mabigyan ng lunas ang kanilang karamdaman ay mahihiya sa kasulukuyang "kultura" ng pagkain ng mga aso. Nakakalungkot isipin na ang noong banal na pamamaraan ay hinaluan na nating kababawan ng pag iisip at pag aalipusta sa ating kasaysayan. Nakakalungkot isipin na tayong mga taong nilikhang mas mataas na nilalang at tagapamahala ng mga buhay na mas nakakangat ang ating pag iisip ay umaaktong tila mas mababa pa ang pag iisip kaysa sa mga hayop na ito.

_____________

Sa ngayon, meron akong bagong alagang aso, si "shifu" (shih tzu breed) at hanggang ngayon naalala ko pa rin yung mga namatay kong aso. Subukan ninyong pagtangkaan ang aso ko!!! Grrrr...

Malady?

"forgive them Father, they dont know what they do."

Their priests and doctors tell me
I’ve touched and tasted sin
my feelings are inert-lysome shallow hidden whim
and my attractions are perversions
as most transgressions do begin.
It’s a mental-sexual-misplacement
of vile and sheer disgust
suppressed by an unloved childhood
and triggered by an untamed lust
desperately infecting my emotions
as most diseases must.
He had an unaffectionate mother
is what they’ve come to say and a permanent lack of attention
is why he lives this way
but I rejected the biased diagnosis
happy, and proud to be gay.

-----

So go up with the daisies, biatch!

Have you dreamt of Me?

Did you dream of me my darling?

Did we fly through skies of orange and violet on astral angelic wings? I opened the box of a universe last night and drew from it a star to present you, to hold in your heart, but when I awoke this morning I watched it wash away with the flood of the morning's light.

Did you dream of me my darling?

Did we dance in fields of ethereal twilight meant only for the beings of Heaven?

I watched you radiate like a holy entity, bathed in the light, and blessings of God.

I watched you fade from my eyes into beauty I could not behold.

I watched you fly to heights I could not reach, even in my dream. And when I awoke I saw you fade from my world.

I watch you here in admiration, for that is all I am granted. I admire but cannot want, for angels were not meant for mortals.

A Naked Year

Urban Photography's Housework Calendar is every girl's dream and every gay's fantasy, and it's supporting Breast Cancer charities. 12 stunning guys, doing your housework, wearing only a smile. It's all tastefully done (no intimate bits shown), so you can leave the calendar up when the vicar comes round for tea.

get your hands on these boys…

It's all for a good cause

Every year, more than 40,000 women in the Uk are diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and more than 12,000 die. For every calendar sold, Urban Photography is making a donation to Breast Cancer Charities. The majority of the money we raise will be donated to Cancer Research UK, who are one of the largest charities funding research into breast cancer.

I hope some photographers here in the country can read this, im sure it will be a big hit!

Listen, please?

I wander aimlessly through this world
Seeking guidance from the people who care
I tap them on the shoulders and ask questions
Only to linger in unanswered silence
My mind spins in my confusion

"will you hear? will you listen?"

Wondering if anyone will listen
Shrinking in paranoia I shake off the madness
Believing someone, somewhere will pay attention to me
In crowds I enter only to be unseen
Watching the people walk through me
as if I was airI clench my fists and shut my eyes
Yelling furious comments which are drowned out with laughter
Voices in my head are laughing at me
Telling me I am invisible and alone
In a world so big and dangerous
I lose myself deep in my mind
Around the corner in the shadows
I silently weep, knowing I am mute to the outside
I have no voice to speak, as no one will hear
I peer into a mirror at the alternate dimension where I do not exist
The place that has discarded me into an isolated box
The realm which has forgotten me.

Asian HeatWave: Zanjoe Marudo

zanjoe marudo, a 22-year-old model for philippines' bench underwear line, is brooding, quiet and sexy. with a six-pack to die for in a six-foot frame, plus tons of sex appeal, he is the perfect poster boy.

zanjoe got into modeling after high school to earn his own money and has since become one of cosmo's top 10 bachelors and was commissioned to pose for metro calendar 2006. he is also a sports fanatic, into badminton, wake boarding, and was once a member of his high school's basketball varsity team.

but commercial model zanjoe was known only in a small fashion and advertising circles. he was a virtual unknown in showbiz. now he is fast becoming a household name and an emerging matinee idol, especially after his appearance in pinoy big brother celebrity edition, where he was part of the final four.

"i would like to have a showbiz career," zanjoe admitted. "i'd like to learn to act and to sing. but no, i would not go for bold roles."

and since coming out of the big brother house, zanjoe's wish is coming true. he's starred in several local tv shows and is being considered for a role in an upcoming soap. shame though that he won't reconsider the latter - he's sure to set the screen on fire.

Currently, zanjoe is a main cast in comedy series, "Aalog alog" by ABS CBN. His crazy and cute "head banging" steps is so cute. lolz.

Diskriminasyon II

I am me, always have, always will.
Why must this society push us to be like them?
Is the reason you are so against homosexuality,
Because you are insecure of yourself?

Homosexuals are people of their own,
We live, breathe, talk, laugh and love.
We are not that different than anyone in this world,
You try to defy us because you yourself just don’t get
why we can be so happy as we are.

I can tell you that, you’re against us,
Because you can’t fulfill your own happiness,
To see other people, such as me,
To be so happy as ourselves,
and yet you can’t be happy with your life.

I’m damn proud to be a homosexual,
It wasn’t a choice, I was just born this way,
So stop making yourself look like a fool,
By discriminating people like me and deal with it.

It’s not like we try and stop you from being a heterosexual now is it?

Lone Star Verve Award

Wow! I just learned from a friend that "Hush and L!sten" is nominated in the First Annual GLBT Verve Weblog Award for the Best Asian Blog Category by Lone Star Verve

To all those people who nominated "H&L" please accept my sincerest gratitude, mwuah! mwuah! It is such an honor just to know that there are people who have nominated "H&L" to be in the roll of these great blogs accross the globe and much more, I am personally ecstatic to be one of the finalist for this category! Truly, I am deeply honored!

Also we would like to extend our sincerest appreciation to Lone Star Verve who is hosting this award, along with our wishes for its continous success in the BlogKingdom! Thanks you Guys! Mwuah Mwuah!! Hug! Hug! lolz!

Of course, we find it in our heart, the hope to bag this award, so I hope you guys can help me out on this... Visit Lone Star Verve for the voting rules.

Rambelling

Lifted from a dream, like an angel cast from the heavens, I awoke. Squinting as I looked at the bright numbers from my cellfone I saw it was only a little after 5:00. With a sigh I rolled over hoping to fall back to sleep. The problem with sleep is that it never comes when you want it to, but always presents itself, inviting you when you want to stay awake. I laid there, staring at the 3D text screensaver that bounced around my cellfone screen on the other side of the bedroom, while my mind wandered, and thoughts began to appear in places they didn't belong. The worst, and most dangerous, part of the day lies at its beginning, when you're too tired to get out of bed, but too awake to fall back to sleep and the mind is free to go where it will. An entire lifetime passes in that state, as every "what if", "could have", and "maybe" steps out of hiding and takes control of the helm in a violent mutiny. The early morning's tear is more bitter then that of the night before.

In that darkness, in that state of consciousness, the shadows that the mind produces are immense. There is no end to the power of the demons that the mind summons. We are not free in our ability to reason, to decide, to think; we are enslaved by it. Bias toward the negativity of life, my consciousness holds me in constant fear of the future, insecurity of the present, and regrets of the past. The mind, an untamed entity, can never stay still.

I began to recall scenes from a dream that night, lying on the "tip of my tongue", too far from my reach to remember what it was. The same as it is every night. Only my subconscious holds any hope that remains within me, which only shows itself in unremembered scenes of a fictional life. Growing frustrated, and restless, I pulled myself out of bed, felt around for my lighter and cigarettes on the nightstand. Fumbled around with the package and lighter until I finally managed to get one pulled out and lit. Staring at the cigarette more then smoking it my mind continued in the dreamy stage of awakening where it forgets that it now has a body to control. I pulled the blanket around me as I realized how very cold it was in my room, I then remembered how hot it was when I had gone to sleep. I've yet to become accustomed to the unexplainable dramatic temperature changes in this single room. Finishing the cigarette I looked back at the clock, 7:30, the chorus of alarm clocks will begin in several minutes. Lying back down, almost immediately after falling to sleep, I was awoken by the buzzing and beeping of the array of alarm clocks that decorate my room. Slamming the snooze on each one of them I quietly laid there and prayed to God that the day will be bearable, tolerable; survivable. I then laughed at the likelihood that God really couldn't care less.