An Invitation to Death

(I was checking my files last night when I found my old notebook, and found this. I have written this early last year)

This is before you came....

AN INVITATION TO DEATH

I received an invitation from Death today,
Someone I've never met.

He called to me from the very pits of my soul,
And said He'd get me yet.

I don't know what he wants me for.
I've no clue what He meant.
Death's invitation was black and dark,
Signed with my own blood,
Sent.


How did He do that?
What does it mean?
Does it mean my time here is done?
If so, He said, when I attend the party,
Be sure to bring a gun.
Invited to show up, I thought what to wear,
But His invite set me straight.
This isn't the heaven I thought I'd go,
There is no pearly gate.

No need to dress,
No need to primp,
No need for special touches at all.
Slashed wrists, or a hole through my head,
And He'd simply let me call.

How simple to attend this special affair.
I don't need to bring a thing
But myself in whatever disarray I choose.
The easiness makes one sing.

Should I go?
Should I reply to this invite, so dark and dismal and full of dread?
I think about those that fill my heart
And wonder if I should think with my head.

My heart tells me, NO!
Stop!
Don't go!
Those you love will need you near.
My head says GO!
Death's waiting for you.
There is nothing for you here.

Torn between responding to Death's call
And staying here to take all the pain,
My heart is broken and bruised beyond repair.
Does staying give me anything to gain?
Am I wanted?
Am I needed?
I wonder…
Death tells me No I am Not.
He says He needs me with Him instead.
He tells me He's all I've got.
So I sit here tears pouring down my face
And wonder how I came to be
This person so unwanted and unloved.
And I think I need to be free…
Free from sadness,
Free from anger,
Free from all the pain I've made,
Looking at Death's invitation in one hand,
In the other a shiny blade…

And Death is laughing in my tear-stained face
As I cowardly set the knife aside.
He knows I won't attend THIS party
No matter the feelings I hide.
He chuckles as I cry and sob my heart out over my simple life
So wrought with pain and anquish this day,
So filled with hurt and strife.

Death sent me an invitation today to a party I cannot attend.
And I hope by my ignoring the pain,
Someday my heart shall mend.

Take it from Ally

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it. But trust me, there are some love that don't go away, and maybe that makes them crazy. But we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity... Somebody who never lets go... Somebody who cherishes you forever."

- ALLY MC BEAL

Buntong Hininga

(Sa Pagkakataong ito hindi para sa araw ng lunes, kundi sa tila bubog na humahamak sa aking puso.)

naliligaw

nawawala

sumisigaw

nagwawala

Buntong Hininga.

Fax me Babv!

I received this Fax message from mah baby just now...









... The Cutted scanned note?

He is asking, "Nu gusto mo name ng magiging Baby naten?"

Kilig!

I am so Fuckin' In Love!

"I am so FUCKIN' In LOVE!"

Yes, I am exclaiming this to the world and to Heaven and Hell as well!

Finally, Love has decided to take a second look at me and direct my course, knock me over my feet and made me blush again... (Just imagine with my skin tone, I am blushing! lolz),

Before this, I have told myself that I will try to enjoy my single life first... Go on dates... party... etc etc etc. Well, I did. Went on dates... party... the etchetera's? NOPE, never gone that far because along with this resolution I have a vow on a self imposed celibacy and went on a self preservation mode. But nevertheless, I am/was happy.


But he made me realize that I can have a happier beating heart. And I am. At least from what we have I know am happier.

I know I seem to be like a silly high school girl who happen to have her first crush at school. You know the feeling, right? Its like waking up each morning telling yourself, how good it is to be in love... When you are smiling all day even with all the hassles and troubles of the day... you are simply smiling your way thru it... When every second passing by makes you feel sssoooo KILIG!

Damn... SO KILIG!

The Ultimate Kilig moment happen last night...

From his work, he went straight to visit me at my work area and waited for me until I am done. No thats not the kilig factor yet.

It was almost ten pm, when I finished work. We decided to go to a nearby bar to make tambay. Orange Juice for me, Red Coke for him and a plate of french fries... (Wholesome. Like little teenage high school girl. lolz)

Its like a Videoke Bar really, with three Beautifully Bitchy hosts (Comedy Bar host Bitches) making fun of all the people comin' up on stage to sing, i know you youve seen a likened scenario before. So there, this was the set up for that night...

He told me he likes to sing... So I push him to sing a song up stage... Well, he did. Ask a tissue from the food server and written down his songs.

"Don't look!" he exclaims. "It will be for you."

So, the moment came... the 3 Bitchy hosts called him up stagae... and as expected, katakot takot na litanya ng pambubuska ang ginawa ng tatlong bayot.

"Me girlfriend ka na?" one of the host asked him.

"Wala." he answered back.

"hmmm... eh boyfriend?" the host continue, grinning and setting up a strategic look at me on the table.

"Yes!" he said.

and the crowd goes wild and before I knew it everybody is throwing a glance of me.

I could swore, for a while I was like in a void. Puta di ko alam kung ano gagawin ko that night. But one thing is for sure, I was so freakin' kilig!

Never in my entire life with someone have I felt that someone is actually proud to have me as his better half (better half, talaga. lolz) in front of strangers and not to mentioned a bunch of PLU in a nearby table who are all somewhat also feels that certain kilig like the three hosts who are seemingly getting so damn excited with that revelation. But I am the queen of the night, somewhat i feel revered, if not envied, that night by all these people like us. OMG, it was surely the most kilig moment.

(Please tell Madonna to shut up first and let mah baby sing...)

When he finished the song... I couldnt help but to profess my love to him, as i repeatedly utter i love you to him...

Argh! I am so Fucking in Love!

A Heart Unbroken

Stringing along memories of the past,
Evident in this shattered heart.
I vowed to myself never again
In my life, will it play a part.


Just when I thought I was over love,
Just as I was learning to cope.
Baby, you stepped in with an open heart
Telling me to never lose hope.

You came into this world of mine,
And taught me not to be afraid.
To my surprise, I realized
The pain began to fade.

Ever so slowly, taking its time,
My heart began to reveal
All the love that had been kept inside,
Waiting for something real.

So now we begin this journey,
Letting all our fears go.
Exactly where the road will lead us,
It is God that only knows.

So let's leave it in destiny's hands,
Let fate guide us thru it all.
Let's have faith that in the end,
Into each other's arms we will fall.

(Only a Rose will know... Only a Rose will know..)

xin jing

March 12, 2006...

If I place my heart in your hand will you keep it safe for me?
Will you cherish, love and protect it and treat it compassionately?

I trusted another with its keep, once a long time ago,
He mishandled it... dropped it and broke it... fortunately, not irreparably so.

I picked it up and took it home and hid it away for awhile,
It was so damaged... nearly destroyed... very sensitive and fragile.

I was able to put it back together, but it has never been the same,
It's still too fragile to trust to anyone, who plays an unfair game.

It's way to delicate to be mistreated, or tossed to and fro,
And until I met you, my friend, I was afraid to let it go.

I'm beginning to think it is possible, to expose it again- to love,
If the person that I entrust it with treats it gently.... like a dove.

Although it appears the same as all others, it's from a special lot,
It may not seem distinctive to you, but it's the only one I've got.

So, are you able to keep my heart safe? I know it's a lot to ask,
Be honest, if you can't promise at this time ....you may not desire the task.

I'll just keep hoping the time will come... all good things usually do.
I've learned to be patient, and I'll recognize the moment...

I should give my heart to you.

Finally, I am Moving On...

Last Friday after a series of exchanging text messages and phone calls, Manresa and I decided to meet up for a date (A real Date). Yes, people I am back on the ground dating again. Actually, I guess me going on a date was something phenomenal for me – ‘coz I really fucking going out on a date. Simply more than often it turn out sour and falls into a disappointment. So eversince, I only go out on a date when someone who really impressed me and I MEAN, REALLY IMPRESSED ME. Don’t hate on this, I don’t have any high standards or whatsoever, but certainly an X spot will make a difference.

I met Manresa on my long inactive and almost defunct G4M account. This account was on self imposed comatose state when I was still committed to Mimay.

Friday – March 03, 2006

The agreed day for us to meet for that date. Place: Malate Time: 10:30 PM

I was able to finished with work that night early, so I told myself there is more than enough spare time. So I decided to finally attend to a long overdue promise of coffee (two years overdue actually) to Aian (aka brew)with enough spare time, we decided to meet up at Bo’s café at SM North EDSA to grab that coffee and afterwards go straight to Malate for my date. Then it occurred to me, Manresa has not been answering my inquiry of his whereabouts or are we to push thru with the plan because he was filed with works at his office. By the way, He is a 27 year old Litigation Lawyer and a Law Professor as well.

OMG! I think my date will not show up. Argh!

I was 5 minutes away from SM North EDSA when I received a message from Manresa, read….

MANRESA:
Ei, I am so sorry… I fell asleep here in the office… Where are you now?

ME:
I am on my way to see a friend for a coffee first, I will go straight to Malate after this.. C u.

When I finally reached Bo’s and saw Aian again after two years, it is as if really that a certain bond between us was kept in tacked. I sat down, asked what he wants – finally agreed for us to get a red iced tea. Endless stories and exchange of thoughts of what had happen with our different lives for the past two years.

It is when I checked on my fone’s time that I fell bad, its almost 11 PM. Damn! I am late for my date.

Aian decided to come along to Malate with me, so we get a cab and rushed ourselves to Malate.

The cab parked at the Nakpil area, jumped out of it and split up. Aian to Rainbow Project and Me rushing to Starbucks along Adriatico where Manresa is waiting for me.

One short glance, on the place and there he is, standing on the porch of the coffee house and checking on his phone. When he lifted up his head… I said to him: “I am Khalel.” He just throw back a sweet smile as I apologize for being late. I was craving for pizza that night so we opted to go Shakey’s somewhere near the Rajah Solayman Park.

On the Table, terribly as it may seem… I asked for his real name, considering the amount of time we are exchanging text messages and phone calls there has not been a chance to asked for it, so I did. He extended his IBP Membership ID (Ate, confirm… He is a Lawyer by profession - lolz) there his name lies, A muslim name actually, annotating that both his parents are muslim, but he is not practicing one.

The Date when on Pizza and chicken, Pizza and adored majoe’s for me and chicken for him. (I am cutting on my chicken in take it causes my asthma attack). He is very articulate really, I enjoyed the thoughts that we can conversed about almost every single topic post before us. It was really great!

When we finished dinner we decided to get some drinks and join Aian in Raibow Project for a drink. There listening to good music and with bottles of SanMig Light we laughed the night out with anecdotes and stories. It is almost 4 AM when I decided to go home. Me and Aian actually where the first one to go out, leaving Manresa and his friend who decided to also join for that night to stay a little bit more.

I am back on the ground of dating. And Finally, moving on…