Monday, February 19, 2007


"get back to the Real world, dahlin"
it was Jed - my bitchy sister.
I think I will call this entry "Depersonalization"

... So? If a person walks around in a surreal like state, a dreamland is that always a bad thing? Does that mean they're crackers? Does it mean they possibly could have a disorder according to the mental health community?
I'm sure we all have been there at certain points in our lives, as we interact and cope with being in the world how it is today. I'm told it is like a divorce from the world, self, reality, and being, because one is unsure if they are really interacting with life or not.

But I remember being told by my College Professor to "Live your life as if you are in a movie.." (Am A communication Arts Grad) which I have in some ways always felt like, encountered, or maybe just imagined. It is honestly what has gotten me through life in many aspects (that and humour)...not knowing the "final cut of the film" or the "finished script".

Is it really some kind of psychological disorder, or is it actually something that one can flip a switch with, and turn off at their own will?

Maybe that is why I have always questioned my interactions with men and certain people...because they either seem too unreal, too good to be true, or are the type of character that just will say anything until their own form of "release" (or whatever) happens and thats's over, it's done...time to search for a new character to interact with. One is left in wonder, wondering what they did or what went wrong. It's like they mentally already "shot their wad" and then rolled over and turned their backs on life as it continued or people whom they once had their scene with...(note to self: I guess I'll have to ask people that I know who are obsessed with running their lives by bd/sm protocalls and find out perhaps what is the mindset or card someone could be playing..seeing as how I view bd/sm and all the stuff with it as nothing but sheer mind games and playing with that also a form of depersonalization? or just a call for another form of release?)

Interesting, because they say they want to have evolved from other genres of gay men...when in reality, they haven't. They may listen to different music, have read the works of Chopra, Capote, or the prophecies laid down by the evolution of others, but has it gone through them and settled, or has it led them to be even more detatched from or about themselves?

"But it's the way that it goes and it's what nobody knows and everyday my confusion grows..." I hear in Bo's Coffee, where this girl is sitting alone and talking to herself alone until her brewed coffee becomes lukewarm and the scented steam no longer reminds her of the cup before her.

Great. Thats wonderful. How deep.
It still doesn't answer or seep the question of the interactions I have with people.

She sounds like she's missing something or someone she knows about, or once had in the palm of her hands.

Does she ever question if she is crazy, and if she did (lets just say) would that mean that she has a shred of sanity left? Or does this world where she carries her bags of yarn knitting who knows what for God knows what, just continue and all of us around her are the ones who are the broken machines?

I have half a mind to demand a pair of mittens, a scarf, and a hat out of her.

Maybe she'll scream, maybe she won't even hear me.

Do you hear me?

1 comment:

the beholder said...

complex mind, beautiful pics