Dare I Hope?

Dare I Hope?
Dare I hope to hope?
Is it safe? Is it right?
Am I hoping for nothing

But a black and empty night?
Hope should make me happy.
I should laugh, sing, and dance
Because I am hoping.

Right?Ha! Not a chance.
How is it that hope can leave me
Trembling in the darkness?
How is it that something so “good”

Should leave me feeling helpless?
Dare I hope to hope?
What difference does it make?
Fate will be fate in the end,

It will either “make or break.”
Does Fate regard my hope?
Does She listen? Or care?
Am I shooting for a star that

Simply isn’t there?I cannot know!
Oh, GodWhy must I struggle with
This doubt that pulls at me
Rends me, limb from limb?

What sort of hope leaves pain
Where it should instead leave joy?
Is this hope at all? Or perhaps
Some wicked demon’s ploy?

I cannot know! Dear heaven!
How can I even begin to dare
To hope for something – anything?
Is no assurance there?

No promise? No guarantee?
I cannot stand it! I cannot!
The doubt is a plague
In my every thought.

Dare I hope to hope
In a hope that leaves me dryAnd lost?
How can I dare
To hope in hope?
How can I?

Sophia White

My Favorite Concubine

Slender and sleek, alluring and seductive, she is a whore who plays with fire. She waits at every street corner, flirting with her eyes, teasing with her breast. All she asks for is a kiss, for that is all it takes to bring the kisser back to her again and again. Every time she is kissed, she injects a little of her smoky venom, until finally she hooked her victim forever. She is the bitch call Cigarette and I am one of her victims.

Adolescent curiosity led me to her and I kissed her for the first time. Cough-pant-fume-gasp, it didn’t taste good at all, but made me feel like a man nevertheless. It was rare occasions that took place secretly inside the bathroom, under the bed, and inside the closet. Smoking was only for the name, keeping the smoke in the mouth and blowing it out was the game.

One fine day, the kissing was deep, and the smoke broke the barrier of my throat to reach my lungs. A kick in the head, a slight dizziness, and I became a real kisser and a smoker. It had to happen someday, and it happened that day.

College happened. Smoking her came handy to belong to the upper class of the college apartheid. Smoking was a symbol of having done things which remained youthful fantasies to the others, instilling respect and fear to them. Every puff I inhaled declared, ‘I am not afraid of anyone’, and every puff exhaled screamed, ‘I am liberated.’ Everybody looked at me in awe and I was really happy.

Soon came the days when I can’t do without her anymore. Every occasion became an excuse to kiss her: at the morning flush, at breakfast, at lunch, at dinner, with tea, with wine…… My male chauvinism crumbled under her smoky lure, begging her for a kiss I realized I have been hooked for life.

My endeavor now is to unhooked myself now from her smoky clutches. But how, oh how.

I Believe.

• I believe in God.


• I believe his people are on the wrong path.


• I believe in Christ.
• I believe in reincarnation.


• I believe that man has corrupted God's book over and over again.


• I believe that the stars and primarily, the planets heavily influence us from birth.


• I believe in heaven but don't believe in a burning hell.


• I believe most life forces have a soul but life experiences and memories do not travel with them.


• I believe there are a limited amount of souls in the universe.


• I believe in angels, spirits, and demons.


• I believe in life on other planets.


• I believe in other life dimensions.


• I believe we are in control of our lives as long as it fits within the framework of our creator.


• I believe there is more in this world that we don't see, feel, or hear than we do see, feel or hear.


• I believe that some of us have a purpose here on earth and in our current life but not all.


• I believe that some of us have a purpose after our life on earth but not all.


• I believe that most of us never get to understand our purpose even when it is fulfilled.


• I believe that we should learn as much as we can from our elders before they go on to the next life or to the after life.


• I believe that I am a very young soul with only one or two lives before me.


• I believe that being gay is a gift from God to both me and to mankind.


• I believe in peace over war always.

________

You? What Do You Believe?

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

_______

I went to bed with a heavy heart last night. Mantra and me, somewhat have an arguement silent war fuck! I dont know how I would call it! about a text message sent to me by a boy who happen to be the son of the building owner where I am having my partime job. (He knows the boy, we happen to see him in malate the last time we visited Rainbow Project and ate with Jed and Marco) and after that the boy starts texting me, inquiring basics 101 in gay life.

What can I say I am no experts in terms of these things as well, but maybe I just somehow he found a connection in me. So, I try to answer as much as I could. IN SHORT, we became some sort of textmates and I included him in group message list.

Back to last night...

When I was about to retire last night to bed, I took a moment to send a message to my friends in group list to say good night, it says:

"Good Night! I just got home. This is the only time I feel the stress of this day that had thrown at me. I missed my Bed, just wanna lay down heavenly..."

Message Sent!

It is then that Mantra, got in the room and took my phone and as he usually do, scan for messages sent to me for that day. I dont mind really. For me, If it will help him to strengthen his trust towards me, I guess its okay.

"Houston, we have a problem" my message alert tone. Obviously, somebody in my list is still awake and took the courtesy to reply.

"Tangina talaga to na, tignan mo text ng cyron na yan!" Mantra exclaimed.

Then he forcefully give to me my mobilephone back.

"Siguro magjajakol ka noh! Joke!"

Then BANG!

I was telling him not to put malice on it, maybe the kid was just trying to pass a joke as indicated in the message. But he hear not.

Sigh.

"To Bleed willingfully and joyfully."

Safe Sex

My IQ?

Congratulations, Khalel! Your IQ score is 198

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others. Your Intellectual Type is Exceptional Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas.

______

This is fun, guys. Try it!

Mantra Speaks: Love Doll

I am reposting this story from Mantra. I think it is a good story to remind us of love and to reminds us to listen well more to our heart and not to the pain that always blinds us. PAIN corrupts what is pure and divine about love. LOVE Unconditionally.

Read On guys...

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.. His name is KHALEL. I always thought of him as a friend until last year,when we went to a trip from a club, i found that i fell in love with him.

Before the trip was over, I took a step andd confessed my love for him. And soon we became a pair of lovers..but we love each in different ways.

I always concentrate on him only, but by his side, there were so many guys. To me he was the only one,but to him,maybe i was just another guy.

One day i asked him if we couold watch a movie but he said he can't. I felt so disappointed. He was always like that. He met other guys in front of me like it was nothing.

To him i was just a boyfriend. The word LOVE only came from my mouth. Since i knew him, i never heard him say "I LOVE YOU" before.

To us there were'nt monthsaries and anniversaries at all. He didnt say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days...200 days..

Everyday before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll,everyday,without a fail...i dont know why.

Then my 26th birthday came. When i got up in the morning, i picture a party with him, i stranded myself in my room..waiting for his call, but lunch has passed, dinner passed and soon the sky was so dark,still he didnt call. It was already tiring to look at the phone. Then around 2 a.m., he suddenly called me and woke me up from my sleep. he told me to come out of the house. Still i felt joy and i ran out happily..but to my dismay, he just handed me another little doll. I asked him if he knows the date but...he ignored it he turned around and walked away like nothing happened. I felt so sad. I thought he remebered my birthday. I thought maybe he is not the right guiy for me.

After that day, I stayed home crying..just crying.. He didnt call me, although i was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That's how those dolls piled up in my room

After a month, I got myself together and went back to work. But what made the pain resurface was i saw him on the street with another girl. He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me.

I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell. Why did he gave this to me? In a fit of anger, i threw the dolls around. Then suddenly the phone rung. It was him.He told me to come out of the house. I tried my best to calm myself and walked down to see and meet him outside. Then he came to my sight holding a big doll. I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road. I said i dont need dolls and i dont need person like him in my life. I spitted out all the words that were inside of me.But unlike the other days, his eyes are shakey.."IM SORRY", he apologized in tiny voice..Then he walked to the road to pick the doll. I told him not to pipck it anymore but he ignored me and just went to pick it up.

Then, a big truck was heading towards him. I shouted Khalel to move away but he didnt hear me. He squatted down and picked the doll.

The scene was terrifying..That's how he went away from me. without opening his eyesto say one word to me.

I remembered the days i spent with him and started counting the dolls..i ended counting 5 dolls. I then started to cry.. with a doll in my arms..i hugged it tightly..then suddenly....

"I LOVE YOU", i dropped the doll shocked. I pick up the dolls one by one and pressed its stomach. It says the same "I LOVE YOU

Why didnt i realized that? that his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didnt i realized he love me this much? i took out the big doll, the last doll he gave me and pressed its stomach..the voice came out, the one that i was missing so much..

"Ian, do you know what today is? we've been loving each other for 486 days. 486 days that i couldnt say i love you because i was too shy. If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say I love you everyday till the day I die.”

PLU Blogs: Ranked 20! Whew! Thanks!

Honestly, I getting amused by all this blog voting thingy over the net and somehow it is inspiring me to write more and "share my tears" with others.

To all of you have voted for me and those who conrtinously read my works... THANK YOU VERY MUCH! You guys are inspiring me more to write. Mwuah!

As of this time, I am leading the pack for the FILIPINO blog of the week as hosted by TALKSMART and been ranked on the 20th in the PLU Blogs ALL OVER THE WORLD! (Yes, I am ranked twenty amongst all the PLU Blogs in the WORLD!)

For all of you who have not cast their votes yet, please do so...
Here are the links:

VOTE FOR ME.

Which Filipino blog would you like to be featured for week 22?
	paurong
	vegasfilamguy
	carlotz
	staticbluecreations
	chasahaler
	funfemme
	khalelian
	scipinoyfi
	theinternetisfullgoaway
	pinoyunderground
Vote for Me Guys! Thanks!

Again, Thank you very much GUYS! Mwuah!

Annoying Me: The How to Guide

dont wake me up, baby or else!!!

Call me and wake me with anything other than an emergency.

Within the first 30 minutes of waking, complain to me about something I did.

Within the first 30 minutes of waking, yell at, or around, me.

__________
Cmon try it. lolz.

The Ten Most Harmful Books!

According to conservative Human Events.

1. The Communist Manifesto
2. Mein Kampf
3. Quotations from Chairman Mao
4. The Kinsey Report
5. Democracy and Education
6. Das Kapital
7. The Feminine Mystique
8. The Course of Positive Philosophy
9. Beyond Good and Evil
10. General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money

Honorable Mentions include:

* The Population Bomb by Paul Ehrlich
* On Liberty by John Stuart Mill
* Beyond Freedom and Dignity by B.F. Skinner
* Reflections on Violence by Georges Sorel
* The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
* Madness and Civilization by Michel Foucault
* Coming of Age in Samoa by Margaret Mead
* Unsafe at Any Speed by Ralph Nader (???)
* Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir
* Wretched of the Earth by Frantz Fanon
* Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud* The Greening of America by Charles Reich
* Descent of Man by Charles Darwin
_________
Any conservatives care to defend this list?

The Power of Touch

There are fundamental problems with society. Most people feel that they are alone and that no one understands them; that they stand at a chasm between “self” and “them” that is never to be breached. There is a solution to the problem. Something simple: Touch.

It doesn’t have to be sexual or chalked full of emotion. Just by simply touching someone’s back, arm, or shoulder you’ve made a connection with them. Even if they don’t notice it, they’ll feel it. That feeling, that “connection” is what matters. It’s a section that has been missing from the bridge that spans the chasm of one person to the next.

We are social animals and our problem lies in society’s view of “independence”. The status quo says you’re a better person if you don’t need anyone else and never need any help. It’s been engrained in all of us. The individual has become an island unto themselves. This is wrong.

I’m not saying we can fix all of the world’s problems with such a simple solution but it would be a turn in the right direction.

_______

Happy Weekend Guys! I am taking a leave from my second job and gonna be giving someone the power of my touch!

Quote of the Day 09152006

"Never Try to Shine in Barrowed Finery"

- Jose P. Rizal

________

Most of US, hilig magyabang eh wala naman pala ibubuga. So please, mas masarap kuminang sa sarili mong liwanag hindi yong nakikisabit ka sa kislap ng iba! toink! (di po ako galit, nagpapaliwanag lang. lolz)

C'mon, Guess.

Share with me what do you think this guy is doin'?

Ambiguity

I hide in ambiguity.

I handle almost all of my relationships that way whether friend or lover. It’s safe there. I can keep control over people and situations better if they don’t know where they’re going with me.

Let me explain with a metaphor:

You get into my cab and tell me where you want to go. You’ve never been to my city before. All you know or understand is where you want to end up. You don’t even know if we’re going the right direction. You’re just forced to trust me.

_____

gets nyo mga tol? Magulo ba?

Riding Wistful Horses

Sitting here and thinking how
My life much richer is now
For all the ones I've chanced upon
And the tapestry that was spun

There was a time when no one came
No friends to play in childhood game
No one to shelter from the rain
Nor the adolescent pain

Yet in my inner heart I knew
Secrets rare and secrets true
Were wishes horses, all would ride
Other dreamers by my side

Then one day I dropped my guard
I never did something so hard
In my heart I let others in
And found I had a friend

By one's and two's they gathered near
Soothing all my darkest fears
A tapestry we began to weave
And I once more believe

For youth need never fade away
As long as I can dream and play
On wistful horses I will ride
With other dreamers at my side

_____________

Hush and Listen:
Perhaps we should all take a moment to reflect upon the people we have met upon this mortal coil, and the differences they have made on our lives.

Welcome Back, Jed! Me and Bunso Miss you so much!!

Asian HeatWave: Victor Basa

Victor Basa is one of the hottest male models in the philippines. if there’s an up and coming "it" boy, it would have to be victor. nephew of legendary scene shaker and designer paolo basa, victor has the right combination of pizzazz and pouty lips that will make any zoolander wannabe melt with insecurity.apart from being awarded "best in swimwear" (just look at those eight-pack abs!) during the 2004 mtv fashionista best model search, this 5'11" looker has also graced numerous ramp shows and various fashion editorials of local magazines.

He has modelled for popular brands including levis and penshoppe. a billiards and wall-climbing fanatic, victor is also a photographer and an indie scene player, which makes our eye candy of the week even more interesting than any of the other new model from around the block.oh, and the boy blogs, too. get privy with victor at you don't have to speak. but as mark from in transit wrote, "who needs to speak, victor, when your body can do all the talking?"

Mike, Timmy and Muffin!

I was watching the news, 24 Oras, and they are featuring a dog wedding. So i got excited really and missed my babies that passed away just last month. The two timmy and muffin are so cute in their little formal attire as Timmy (biffon frise) and Muffin (shih tzu) got married at Harrods (a famous knightbridges store).

timmy and muffin

Hopefully before Christmas I can save enough money again to buy a new pooch.

___________

"Sa UK pati aso kinakasal na! ANO BA YAN!"

Mike Enriquez (said this to intro the feature story.)

Sadly, I dont I know its just me, somehow I am sensing disgust from his voice. Just last sunday, a friend of mine heard this guy on the radio and his news about a foreigner who got rob inside his unit (forgot the place he is in) and his direct comment was, "BAKLA BA HA? BAKLA BA?" and there was this irritating ridiculing recorded laughter in the background. And as the news article was delivered that background sounds continues, as he continue saying, "Ah BAKLA NGA.."

I dont get it really, a man was robbed and he was being ridiculed for being gay. It is as if this BRUTE! (yes I am calling him an BRUTE! something that this below a man and an angel) is saying that it is okay to rob the gay community.

Mr. Enriquez, you should know better, after all there are a lot of traces that you are one and part of this community you are trying to hate.

Get out of your closet!

DI KITA TATANTANAN!!!

Quote of the Day 09142006

I am fond of writing down quotations eversince I can remember. There was even a time in college when I do this crazy routine of buying a recycled paper note pad from papemelroti (i hope I got the spelling right - lolz) and I would, everyday, right different quote for friends and foes (depends on my mood really.) and give it them as our classes passby.

So in that tradition, I am bringing it here in mah blog, one quote per day. For starter:

"The great danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high, but that it is too low and we reach it."

– Michaelangelo

AIM High! you all guys! But make sure you are really going UP!

I hate me!

What time did I post last? It was definately within the hour & I was very happy. So why am I crying right now? I am a GAY ASS. & I'm really confused about things.. I think too much about things. I suck. Shut me up.

EDIT:

I just have so many things I want to say and I can't. And I get wicked emotional because of it. And then I give people attitudes and I try to push people away from me. I am fucking retarded and I'm so sick of how I act.

I love you... cant you just listen well to the unspoken words? Sigh.

Six Month of Bliss

Happy Sixth Monthsary, Bibi!

i love you.

Excess: Sorry about the picture, kakagising lang namin.