Tatagal Ka Pa Ba?

Ilang bese na mga ba na lumuha ka?
Ilang bese na nga ba na naiwan kang duguan sa pagpilit na pitasin ang rosas sa parang?
Ilang ulet na nga bang pinilit mong lumaban sa gitna ng dignmaan na sa simula't sapul alam mong hatid at kamatayan?

Basag na ang iyong Ulirat, Durog na ang iyong Kaluluwa.
Sa pagitan ng Langit at Lupa,
Sa gitna ng dinustangpag asa sa Hamog ng Bukang Liwayway,
Di ka ba napapagod?
Me itatagal ka pa ba?

Masilog: Si Braguda at Si Mantra

"Coming Out was Never that Easy."

I came out with my nanay two years ago. At siempre naloka ang lola nyo, and like all other Mother's I know, medyo nadisappoint din sya, "Tumigil ka nga sa mga Kalokohan mong Hayup ka! Di mo na ako binigyan ng kahihiyan!" that was her exact words back then I think. Ganon si Nanay, Brutal... Daig pa ang kilay ni Braguda sa pagatataray.

Needless to say, she silently declared war against my sexual preference.

First Attack: Tugisin ng Sibat si Carlo.

At least not literally, pero carlo and I both feel na mas matindi pa dun ang dinaan namin. Ilang beses kaming naghiwalay dahil dun. Not that I can blame him really, hindi siya out sa Family nya. So naiintindihan ko yung takot nya everytime my mom would their house. (wag na tanuning, ako me kasalanan kaya nalaman ni Braguda ang numero ng bahay nila.) Personally, hirap din ako sa relasyon namin dahil ako yung naiipit sa gitna. Feeling ko ako yung shock absorber ng dalawang puta na parehong ayaw sumuko. (Wag na makialam, blog ko to at kuwento ko to!)

Then, eventually nagkahiwalay na nga kami ni carlo ng landas.

Pasok Mark!

After Carlo si Mark ang naging partner ko. Siyempre ako with all hope na baka maging okay siya ke nanay. Medyo okay naman nung simula, naturally sweet ang dating ng character ni mark but still you can sense yung kanyang pagiging maldita... I've tried na paglapitin sila ng nanay. Pero wala pa ring nangyari. Hay....

Di lang si Carlo at Mark ang naging saksi sa pagiging Braguda ni Nanay. Minsan na ring naging biktima nito ang ate ko at si bunso. Eh putcha talaga! Siyempre nga noh ang pakiramdan ko ng mga panahong iyon, kahit na ba sinasabi niyang tanggap nya ako di ako maniwala kasi inaatake nya lahat ng me kinalaman sa pagiging special ko.

Aba ilang drum din ang niluha ko sa episode ng buhay kong iyon noh!

"Sino na naman yang kasama mo? Bago mo namang boypren?" tanong ng nanay nung unang beses niya makita si Mantra. Of course, nandun yung trademark niyang parang nanlilisik na mata.

"Si Mantra." (siempre naman yung totoong pangalan niya binigay ko sa nanay noh! eh baka lalong maloka yun kung "MANTRA" sinabi kong pangalan.)

"In fairness ha, magaang ang loob ko sa kanya..." she continued. pormal pa rin ang mukha nya.

"Bakit naman?" siyempre ako medyo gusto ng tumambling at mag cartwheel ng 1001 times. Puta! Tama ba ang narinig ko, magaan ang loob ni Braguda ke Mantra!

"Mukha naman kasing mabait, mukhang sa magkakasundo kami nito ngayon." tapos sabay smile ang nanay.

Siempre, smile back na lang din ako. Habang alam ko ang puso ko, gustong mag sirko sa loob ng dibdib ko.

And yes, nagkasundo nga sila.

To Date:
Mula sa dating every weekend na pagtulog ni Mantra sa Bahay, aba eto Isang buong linggo sa bahay natulog ang asawa ko. At feeling ko close nga si Braguda at Mantra.

Magkakasama kaming magsimba yesterday for the Mother's Day celebration, tapos mall kami to death kasam ang kapatid ko at siyempre ang dalawang makukulit na pamangkin ko. Matagal tagal na kaming di nagkakaroon ng ganong lakad, enjoy kaming lahat.

PASINGIT:

Eksena naman yung kapatid ko kahapon, siempre nga Mother's Day kaya treat ko silang dalawa ng nanay the whole day, its nothing fancy really. Mall lang kami paikot ikot, nagtrip sa arcade, kain, tamang shopping ng konti.

We are crossing the other side of the mall, when my sister embraced me amidst the crowds, and with great excitement she said: "Kuya, the best ka talaga. At kahit ano ka pa man, ikaw pa rin ang kuya ko." Then she kissed and thank me.

Ang sarap ng pakiramdam.

AKO NA NGA ATA NGAYON ANG PINAKAMALIGAYANG TAO SA BUONG MUNDO. Bestfriend, Thank you so much! Wala ako masabi ang lakas ko talagha sa iyo! Salamat po!

Masilog: Unang Pagtatagpo

Today, marks my second month relationship with mantra. Shit! dalawang buwan na akong Masaya!

Ordinaryo lang ang kuwento ng una namin pagkikita. Textmate kami for weeks and then we decided to meet up at BO's Cafe sa SM North EDSA. Galing siya ng work nya sa makati, at ako manggagaling pa din sa work. I met him up with kasama si Aian, I was late for an hour I think. Erratic talaga kasi ang sched ko sa partime job ko.


BO's Cafe - SM North EDSA

I arrived in the place and started to look for Aian first, though I think I had a glance of him already - skin head, black shirt with a print "Make Him Beg." that was hid description for me to easily recognize him.

Aian was seated in front of the counter, so gave him a ready nod and scan the place again, this time to look for him. It was him that I so earlier, he throw me back a smile which I openly accepted - ang cute ng gago! I asked aian if we could just transfer to his table. So we did.

After introducing each other and my litany of apologies to both. I grabbed to red iced tea, for me and aian. Nakakadalawang coffee na daw kasi siya bago ako dumating. Toink!

Kami lang atang dalawa ni Aian ang daldal ng daldal buong magdamag na iyon. Medyo nahihiya ata siya, I dont know really. But I would occassionally throw a smile at him and asked him if he is okay. Puta! Na love at first sight ata ako sa mokong na ito. And I was trying not to let it show.

"You like him NOH?" Aian inquisitively asking while Mantra took a step towards the rest room.

"Nope, what makes you say that?" I am faking it.

"Wala lang, you look so excited." he continue.

Aian is a long time "suitor". He would always tells me that he likes and love me. Though I am not really paying attention to it. Dont get me wrong Aian is okay - smart, funny and beautiful as he is. Just cant find this thing in me to fall in love with him. I am settled with a fact that I am caring for him as a dear friend. Besides, medyo I am not comfortable with his sincerity. Parang daming loop holes sa expression nya ng love.

Back to my love Story...

It was almost 12 midnight I think when we all decided to go home, although nag aaya pa si Aian sa Malate, that I rejected kinda feeling so tired na rin. Aian take a cab first, Mantra and I took the Bus home. He is from Valenzuela. Monumento was where we drop off, I told him na wag na bumaba para derecho na siya sa bahay but he insisted na ihahatid nya daw ako sa sakayan ko ng jeep. Ang kulit ng lolo nyo kaya wala na ako magawa.

Something tells me after that night everything will change and it did. We are now celebrating our Two Monthsary! Tulad ng nasa unahan, DALAWANG BUWAN NA AKONG MASAYA AT MUKHANG TUTULOY NA!

MANTRA

Kaluluwa ko'y nahihimbing
Sa payapang duyan ng hangin
Puso ko'y Hinalina
Nang Iyong matinding pagbibigay pansin

Ano pa nga't kaway ng Pag Ibig
Ang dalangin sambit ng mutyang ginigiliw
Sikilin man ay tuluyan ng nilupig
Alok mong Pag Ibig akin nang kinabig

Tanging hiling sa aking mga Panalangin
Itong puso ko'y arugain, noo'y nakabitin sa Bangin
Puso ko'y sadyang mahina
Di na kakayanin kung ikaw mawawala

Sadyang tunay giliw
Pag Ibig ko'y kailanma'y di magmamaliw
At sa matibay na gabay ng Kamay ni Bathala
Yaring Pag Ibig Pupuspusin ng Kalinga

Mahalin ka kailaman ma'y di ako magsasawa
Isasaisip, isasapuso at isasagawa
Yaring mga Pangako sa Langit nagmula
Luha mo'y tutulo lamang dahil sa matinding Tuwa

Hawakan mo Giliw yaring mga kamay
Mga Puso'y ginapos at di na Magwawalay
Hamunin man hanggang sa Kabilang Buhay.

A Splashy Taal Adventure

Its been awhile since I updated this little world I have in here. Got tons of work with respect to my new appointment in one of the most powerful committee at work (harharhar!) and of course, I am so damn busy being so happy falling in love over and over again. (Insert a smiling sigh here.)

WE have just turn ONE month last April 12! (Yipee!)

It falls on the ground of the holy week, me along with Jed (ang bait ng ate ko siya ang sumagot ng aming hotel! Ang taray talaga!) and Marco (kasama ni bunso ang kanyang bagong asawa whom we get to meet for the first time. But before that, bunso was nagging me and ate about having a boyfriend na mahaba ang baba, and as always we told him that our only concern is that for him to have someone who can love him truly, no buts and no ifs.) And to complete the casting, Regen together with new found love as well, whom we fondly call Porshcia Ilagan (lolz!) have joined us.

TARGET: An Overnight Stay at the Splash Mountain Resort in Calamba Laguna

Still detained by work that day, the rest of the gang went straight to Laguna with my promise that me and mah baby will follow shortly after work, as we did and reached the place at almost 12:00 midnight.

After a short rest, nag aya na ang ate lumangoy, at siyempre di na kami tumanggi. Me and ate nagging the other two couple to get into their feet for us to take a dip. Mukha kasing walang balak ang mga puta at ang gusto ata matulog na lang that night hanggang magkakaakap! (lolz!) I would want to do the same thing, pero saying naman ang perang ibinayad ng ate kung di man lang naming masusulit noh! So lundag lahat sa pool ang mga hitad!

‘Twas really fun and everybody is having good time… Regen and Porschia (Ronald) came a surprise with their antics. Kakaloka ang dalawang ito, wala talaga kaming ginawa kundi tumawa. Regen imitating a crab while on the pool and holler sound of ruffa mae quinto and Porschia who is unleashing the very bitch in him… Me opinyon at komento ang batang ito sa lahat ng bagay, lahat napapansin, pero we all agree that he is such a darling and we love him for that. Ang kulit ng tandem na ito!

Well for me and my baby twas a special night, siempre FIRST Monthsary naming ng asawa ko and what a month that was. Ang Sarap magmahal ng Asawa ko!

TRIVIA: Eversince naging kami, he never fails to visit me in my workplace. He will go straight to my place right after his work and everyday he do that, until now kinikilig ako!

It is almost 3:00 AM I think when we all decided to go back to our room. Everybody is taking turn in the Bathroom for a quick cleansing shower before going to sleep, pero siempre walang humpay pa rin ang kuwentuhan. Ang tataas pa rin ng energy at patuloy pa rin sa pangungulit ang tandem nila regen at porschia.

4 AM everybody is sound asleep already. (I thought! Grinning over bunso!)

I woke up around 7 AM that day and saw ate doing his morning rituals already. My stomach crumbling, I forgot I only had donuts for dinner last night and woke up my baby and invite him for a breakfast in a nearby coffee shop. (Shit! Ang tagal ng service! Kakainis!)

After breakfast, we are nagging again everyone for a swim, so we did with the exception of bunso and his partner na nagpaiwan na sa room. So let them, so the five of us take a dip again…. Ang sarap! I have always been fond of water and so I am the one most excited about this trip.

Its around 10 AM when we all agree to go back to the room and prepare ourselves to check out. And then it occurred to me, why not go straight to tagaytay. And we all agree and plays a devil advocate to bunso who have to attend to an overtime work back in manila. After a series of nagging, bunso finally gave in and place a call to their GM to excuse him and promise the same that he will attend to his work in the later part of the night.

So, we went straight to tagaytay – Palace in the Sky is the Target!

Weather up there was really better that what we have here in manila. The cool breeze of the wind made us enjoy the scenery. Ate with his photographic instinct took pictures of the abandoned palace and taal scenery (medyo foggy nga lang kaya poor ang visibility ng Taal Volcano).

It’s a baby’s first time in tagytay and I promise him na babalik kaming dalawa ulit doon, maybe for an overnight stay.

After eating in a nearby Mc Donald Branch, around 6PM we all decided to go home. Everyone is tired with the trips, swim and all but I am know everyone had our share of smile about this trip. I hope maulit naming ulet in a nearby future. Next plan is to go Puerto Galera, we opted not to go there this holy week, the place is a mecca for beach lovers, so surely the place is packed with crowds.

Thank you guys! I love you all! Til’ our next adventure! Mwuah!

Note: Ate got sick the following day and somehow felt bad about him being the only one who have no love partner during the whole course of our trip. Somehow felt guilty about it. I pray that the ONE that God has been preparing for him come soon. Sana before our Puerto Galera trip happen.

An Invitation to Death

(I was checking my files last night when I found my old notebook, and found this. I have written this early last year)

This is before you came....

AN INVITATION TO DEATH

I received an invitation from Death today,
Someone I've never met.

He called to me from the very pits of my soul,
And said He'd get me yet.

I don't know what he wants me for.
I've no clue what He meant.
Death's invitation was black and dark,
Signed with my own blood,
Sent.


How did He do that?
What does it mean?
Does it mean my time here is done?
If so, He said, when I attend the party,
Be sure to bring a gun.
Invited to show up, I thought what to wear,
But His invite set me straight.
This isn't the heaven I thought I'd go,
There is no pearly gate.

No need to dress,
No need to primp,
No need for special touches at all.
Slashed wrists, or a hole through my head,
And He'd simply let me call.

How simple to attend this special affair.
I don't need to bring a thing
But myself in whatever disarray I choose.
The easiness makes one sing.

Should I go?
Should I reply to this invite, so dark and dismal and full of dread?
I think about those that fill my heart
And wonder if I should think with my head.

My heart tells me, NO!
Stop!
Don't go!
Those you love will need you near.
My head says GO!
Death's waiting for you.
There is nothing for you here.

Torn between responding to Death's call
And staying here to take all the pain,
My heart is broken and bruised beyond repair.
Does staying give me anything to gain?
Am I wanted?
Am I needed?
I wonder…
Death tells me No I am Not.
He says He needs me with Him instead.
He tells me He's all I've got.
So I sit here tears pouring down my face
And wonder how I came to be
This person so unwanted and unloved.
And I think I need to be free…
Free from sadness,
Free from anger,
Free from all the pain I've made,
Looking at Death's invitation in one hand,
In the other a shiny blade…

And Death is laughing in my tear-stained face
As I cowardly set the knife aside.
He knows I won't attend THIS party
No matter the feelings I hide.
He chuckles as I cry and sob my heart out over my simple life
So wrought with pain and anquish this day,
So filled with hurt and strife.

Death sent me an invitation today to a party I cannot attend.
And I hope by my ignoring the pain,
Someday my heart shall mend.

Take it from Ally

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it. But trust me, there are some love that don't go away, and maybe that makes them crazy. But we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity... Somebody who never lets go... Somebody who cherishes you forever."

- ALLY MC BEAL

Buntong Hininga

(Sa Pagkakataong ito hindi para sa araw ng lunes, kundi sa tila bubog na humahamak sa aking puso.)

naliligaw

nawawala

sumisigaw

nagwawala

Buntong Hininga.

Fax me Babv!

I received this Fax message from mah baby just now...









... The Cutted scanned note?

He is asking, "Nu gusto mo name ng magiging Baby naten?"

Kilig!

I am so Fuckin' In Love!

"I am so FUCKIN' In LOVE!"

Yes, I am exclaiming this to the world and to Heaven and Hell as well!

Finally, Love has decided to take a second look at me and direct my course, knock me over my feet and made me blush again... (Just imagine with my skin tone, I am blushing! lolz),

Before this, I have told myself that I will try to enjoy my single life first... Go on dates... party... etc etc etc. Well, I did. Went on dates... party... the etchetera's? NOPE, never gone that far because along with this resolution I have a vow on a self imposed celibacy and went on a self preservation mode. But nevertheless, I am/was happy.


But he made me realize that I can have a happier beating heart. And I am. At least from what we have I know am happier.

I know I seem to be like a silly high school girl who happen to have her first crush at school. You know the feeling, right? Its like waking up each morning telling yourself, how good it is to be in love... When you are smiling all day even with all the hassles and troubles of the day... you are simply smiling your way thru it... When every second passing by makes you feel sssoooo KILIG!

Damn... SO KILIG!

The Ultimate Kilig moment happen last night...

From his work, he went straight to visit me at my work area and waited for me until I am done. No thats not the kilig factor yet.

It was almost ten pm, when I finished work. We decided to go to a nearby bar to make tambay. Orange Juice for me, Red Coke for him and a plate of french fries... (Wholesome. Like little teenage high school girl. lolz)

Its like a Videoke Bar really, with three Beautifully Bitchy hosts (Comedy Bar host Bitches) making fun of all the people comin' up on stage to sing, i know you youve seen a likened scenario before. So there, this was the set up for that night...

He told me he likes to sing... So I push him to sing a song up stage... Well, he did. Ask a tissue from the food server and written down his songs.

"Don't look!" he exclaims. "It will be for you."

So, the moment came... the 3 Bitchy hosts called him up stagae... and as expected, katakot takot na litanya ng pambubuska ang ginawa ng tatlong bayot.

"Me girlfriend ka na?" one of the host asked him.

"Wala." he answered back.

"hmmm... eh boyfriend?" the host continue, grinning and setting up a strategic look at me on the table.

"Yes!" he said.

and the crowd goes wild and before I knew it everybody is throwing a glance of me.

I could swore, for a while I was like in a void. Puta di ko alam kung ano gagawin ko that night. But one thing is for sure, I was so freakin' kilig!

Never in my entire life with someone have I felt that someone is actually proud to have me as his better half (better half, talaga. lolz) in front of strangers and not to mentioned a bunch of PLU in a nearby table who are all somewhat also feels that certain kilig like the three hosts who are seemingly getting so damn excited with that revelation. But I am the queen of the night, somewhat i feel revered, if not envied, that night by all these people like us. OMG, it was surely the most kilig moment.

(Please tell Madonna to shut up first and let mah baby sing...)

When he finished the song... I couldnt help but to profess my love to him, as i repeatedly utter i love you to him...

Argh! I am so Fucking in Love!

A Heart Unbroken

Stringing along memories of the past,
Evident in this shattered heart.
I vowed to myself never again
In my life, will it play a part.


Just when I thought I was over love,
Just as I was learning to cope.
Baby, you stepped in with an open heart
Telling me to never lose hope.

You came into this world of mine,
And taught me not to be afraid.
To my surprise, I realized
The pain began to fade.

Ever so slowly, taking its time,
My heart began to reveal
All the love that had been kept inside,
Waiting for something real.

So now we begin this journey,
Letting all our fears go.
Exactly where the road will lead us,
It is God that only knows.

So let's leave it in destiny's hands,
Let fate guide us thru it all.
Let's have faith that in the end,
Into each other's arms we will fall.

(Only a Rose will know... Only a Rose will know..)

xin jing

March 12, 2006...

If I place my heart in your hand will you keep it safe for me?
Will you cherish, love and protect it and treat it compassionately?

I trusted another with its keep, once a long time ago,
He mishandled it... dropped it and broke it... fortunately, not irreparably so.

I picked it up and took it home and hid it away for awhile,
It was so damaged... nearly destroyed... very sensitive and fragile.

I was able to put it back together, but it has never been the same,
It's still too fragile to trust to anyone, who plays an unfair game.

It's way to delicate to be mistreated, or tossed to and fro,
And until I met you, my friend, I was afraid to let it go.

I'm beginning to think it is possible, to expose it again- to love,
If the person that I entrust it with treats it gently.... like a dove.

Although it appears the same as all others, it's from a special lot,
It may not seem distinctive to you, but it's the only one I've got.

So, are you able to keep my heart safe? I know it's a lot to ask,
Be honest, if you can't promise at this time ....you may not desire the task.

I'll just keep hoping the time will come... all good things usually do.
I've learned to be patient, and I'll recognize the moment...

I should give my heart to you.

Finally, I am Moving On...

Last Friday after a series of exchanging text messages and phone calls, Manresa and I decided to meet up for a date (A real Date). Yes, people I am back on the ground dating again. Actually, I guess me going on a date was something phenomenal for me – ‘coz I really fucking going out on a date. Simply more than often it turn out sour and falls into a disappointment. So eversince, I only go out on a date when someone who really impressed me and I MEAN, REALLY IMPRESSED ME. Don’t hate on this, I don’t have any high standards or whatsoever, but certainly an X spot will make a difference.

I met Manresa on my long inactive and almost defunct G4M account. This account was on self imposed comatose state when I was still committed to Mimay.

Friday – March 03, 2006

The agreed day for us to meet for that date. Place: Malate Time: 10:30 PM

I was able to finished with work that night early, so I told myself there is more than enough spare time. So I decided to finally attend to a long overdue promise of coffee (two years overdue actually) to Aian (aka brew)with enough spare time, we decided to meet up at Bo’s café at SM North EDSA to grab that coffee and afterwards go straight to Malate for my date. Then it occurred to me, Manresa has not been answering my inquiry of his whereabouts or are we to push thru with the plan because he was filed with works at his office. By the way, He is a 27 year old Litigation Lawyer and a Law Professor as well.

OMG! I think my date will not show up. Argh!

I was 5 minutes away from SM North EDSA when I received a message from Manresa, read….

MANRESA:
Ei, I am so sorry… I fell asleep here in the office… Where are you now?

ME:
I am on my way to see a friend for a coffee first, I will go straight to Malate after this.. C u.

When I finally reached Bo’s and saw Aian again after two years, it is as if really that a certain bond between us was kept in tacked. I sat down, asked what he wants – finally agreed for us to get a red iced tea. Endless stories and exchange of thoughts of what had happen with our different lives for the past two years.

It is when I checked on my fone’s time that I fell bad, its almost 11 PM. Damn! I am late for my date.

Aian decided to come along to Malate with me, so we get a cab and rushed ourselves to Malate.

The cab parked at the Nakpil area, jumped out of it and split up. Aian to Rainbow Project and Me rushing to Starbucks along Adriatico where Manresa is waiting for me.

One short glance, on the place and there he is, standing on the porch of the coffee house and checking on his phone. When he lifted up his head… I said to him: “I am Khalel.” He just throw back a sweet smile as I apologize for being late. I was craving for pizza that night so we opted to go Shakey’s somewhere near the Rajah Solayman Park.

On the Table, terribly as it may seem… I asked for his real name, considering the amount of time we are exchanging text messages and phone calls there has not been a chance to asked for it, so I did. He extended his IBP Membership ID (Ate, confirm… He is a Lawyer by profession - lolz) there his name lies, A muslim name actually, annotating that both his parents are muslim, but he is not practicing one.

The Date when on Pizza and chicken, Pizza and adored majoe’s for me and chicken for him. (I am cutting on my chicken in take it causes my asthma attack). He is very articulate really, I enjoyed the thoughts that we can conversed about almost every single topic post before us. It was really great!

When we finished dinner we decided to get some drinks and join Aian in Raibow Project for a drink. There listening to good music and with bottles of SanMig Light we laughed the night out with anecdotes and stories. It is almost 4 AM when I decided to go home. Me and Aian actually where the first one to go out, leaving Manresa and his friend who decided to also join for that night to stay a little bit more.

I am back on the ground of dating. And Finally, moving on…

Buntong Hininga

(Isang tulang nabuo sa pagkasuklam sa araw ng lunes... Argh!)

naliligaw

nawawala

sumisigaw

nagwawala

Buntong Hininga.

Kailan Nga Kaya Muli Papatak ang Ulan?

Nagbabadya ang Hangin
Nakapanghihilakbot na lamig
Ang bumabalot sa king pagal na katawan

Whoossshh!

Bigla,
Katahimikan.

Unti unti nilamon ng itim na kumot
Ang bulak ng kalangitan.

Bigla,
Katahimikan.

At mula kung saan
Binasag ng matinding dagumdong
Ang aking taingang bingi ng katahimikan
Guhit ng apoy na paulit ulit winawarat
Ang kumot na pumapailanglang

KATAHIMIKAN.

Mula sa ilang, tnaw ng aking kaluluwa
Mga mumunting sundalong sibat
Nagmamadali, nag uunahan
Sa pagtarak sas aking kaibuturan

Ngahuhumiyaw ang aking kaluluwa
Nagnanais matakasan, hilakbot ng sibat
Walang patumanggang humahamak
Sa pilit binubuong kong katibayan at galak

Batid ng aking talampakan
Din a maiiwanan aking kinaroroonan
Kulapol ng putik ang siyang lumamon
Sa kanyang banal na katuwiran.

WALA na ngang mapaparoonan,
Higit wala na ngang matatakbuhan
Natitirang katatagan,
Aking nalalabing tanggulan.

Patuloy ang mga sibat
Sa kanilang taglay na kahambugan
Pilit ginagapi, pilit sinusuri aking kakayanan
Dilat matang aking pilit na hinaharang.

KATAHIMIKAN.

Tila nagsawa sa kanilang pakay
Unti unting umatras sa kanilang pinagmulan
Mga sundalong sibat,
Pinukaw ng kislap na siya ring gumapi
Sa balat ng kadiliman.

Hilakbot ng hangin mandi’y bumanayad,
Taglay ngayon ay di malirip na katahimikan.

KAPAYAPAAN.
Panibagong lakas, biyayang tinanggap
Sa Dakilang Liwanang na aking Inakap.
Aking Kaluluwa’y higit na lumakas
Pagkatapos ng bayo’t hagupit
Dala ng pakikipag sapalaran.

KAILAN KAYA MULI PAPATAK ANG ULAN?

Sa Gitna ng Dilim at Kawalan Pag Asa

Kung makakaya ko lang na saluhin ang bawat pagpatak ng luha,
     Di kailanman ako mabubuhay ng maksarili.
Hayaan mo akong yakapin ang iyong panaghoy sa dilim,
     Hayaan mo akong maging kislap sa ilang.
Ako ang magiging lakas mo sa gitna ng iyong kahinaan.
     Ako ang hihirang  sa iyong mga katanungan.

Puspos man ako ngayon ng pansariling pangamba,
     Ligwakin man ako ng pansariling kawalang pag-asa
Gayun pa man di pa susupil sa hamog ng sumpa bumabalot
     Sa kaibuturan ng aking kaluluwa.

Pipiliting lumaban, pipiliting kumasa
     Isagip lamang ang mga luhang tutulo sa iyong mga mata
Huwag kang mangamba, huwag kang mabalisa
     Sariling luha titipuning mag isa

Walang tanging hiling sa gabing madilim
     Kundi mapagtanto payapang ngiti mula sa iyo
Sasagipin ko ang iyong puso sa luha ng dusta
     Sariling Luha ko’y di mababanaag pa.

Lalaban ako at magpupumiglas pa
     Di masusupil tanging dalangin
Yayapusin kita ng pag-asa
     Batid ko man aki’y wala na.

Simple Resting Broken Heart

Simple Resting, Broken Heart

Wanting nothing, being no one.

I exist as self sufficiency.

I feel the 10,000 things, but they do not feel me.

What a strange, sad state of affairs.

What unique loneliness.

An ache that expands, touches, feels.

We are home together.
How can they not feel this?
How did I, not, feel this?

Simple resting, broken heart.

I do not know….

Behind the sometimes callous, prickly texture of my personality is a sadness that often leaves me unable to speak. My dearest friends, you who are my family, this human life has never felt my own, and so I often do not know how to share in our common humanity. I remain untouched, alone. I'm sorry I do not know how to be with you where you are, as you are, with the joys and pains that color your life. But that doesn't mean I don't feel you. I do. Deeply, I do.

Simple resting, broken heart.

I do not know....  
    

Unforgotten Memories

This is dedicated to you...

crystal blue skies
mountain breeze
holding my breath for the first kiss
rose filled room
a royal blue gown
words i say just for u
unforgotton memories
holding myself close to u
my heart races
holding my breath for just another kiss
u r touch soft and loving
lost in moments with u
unforgotten memories
a small key i place near u r heart
whisper keep it close always
look into u r soul surrendering mine to u
make a vow to the one i love
to always hold u dear
love u forever and always ....
look into u r eyes smiling soflty
oh so long ago my love
i gave u a small key
and u have kept it close to u r heart
just as i kept u r love close to mine
always in my thoughts always will i love thee
lonely i am never
for all i have to do is close my eyes
and near u i am
cherished r the times i have with u
unforgotten memories

Bittersweet Mirage

Bittersweet mirage, I surrender my heart to you.
(Dear one, I am not deceived)

I kiss the precious disaster that you are.
(Beyond the anguish, I feel the glory)

In eternity, I wait for you; just as you wait for me.
(If not in this life, I will know you there)

Home at last, words cannot describe our intimacy.
(The chains have dropped, the fear is gone)

The distance between us cannot survive here.
(Two souls dissolving into one radiance)

I will miss you, my love.
(In perfect joy, my heart weeps for the face it will never see again)

Undone.
(Released)
Only tenderness remains.
(Not-two)

Emptied.
(Returned)
Peace without limit.
(Just so)


Zero.


I subtly breathe in.
(I will see you again....)

Friends, are you romantic with souls? Are your friends as blessed as the object of your romantic affection? With whom would you be willing to take this journey? A lover, certainly. But who else? Whose soul would you let mix with yours? Who else could you melt with, dissolved as radiance, released as all?
In truth, I do not know how to be romantic with human beings. Perhaps there is much you can teach me. Perhaps you can help bring my heart into my body, into this waking life. Perhaps you will know how to touch me.
Perhaps not.

But I am not worried, for my heart still sings out: Friends, are you romantic with souls?

Lookin In

For ALL THOSE SELF RIGHTEOUS SIOPAO... THIS IS FOR YOU ALL!

You look at me and see the boy
Who lives inside the golden world
But don't believe
That's all there is to see
You'll never know the real me

He smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
He dreams of all
That he can never be
He wades in insecurity
And hides himself inside of me

Don't say he takes it all for granted
I'm well aware of all I have
Don't think that I am disenchanted
Please understand

It seems as though I've always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can't take my heart from me
And they can't bring me to my knees
They'll never know the real me

This is old song from mariah that I have always love...