Simple Resting Broken Heart

Wanting nothing, being no one.
I exist as self sufficiency.
I feel the 10,000 things, but they do not feel me.
What a strange, sad state of affairs.
What unique loneliness.
An ache that expands, touches, feels.
We are home together.
How can they not feel this?
How did I, not, feel this?
Simple resting, broken heart.


I do not know….

Behind the sometimes callous, prickly texture of my personality is a sadness that often leaves me unable to speak. My dearest friends, you who are my family, this human life has never felt my own, and so I often do not know how to share in our common humanity. I remain untouched, alone. I'm sorry I do not know how to be with you where you are, as you are, with the joys and pains that color your life. But that doesn't mean I don't feel you.

I do. Deeply, I do.

Simple resting, broken heart.
I do not know....

Safe Sex: A Short Film

Have a meaningful weekend, guys!
BE SAFE!

Bintana

I guess this is just me dreaming of the beginning at the end again, and it all seems to risky doesn't it? I make my excuses and leave, only to find you in my bed and it's dark in my room and i see your chest, a little hairy just like before except we are both grown up, at least i am old enough to know my way around now.

You lift up my blanket sheets and i crawl inside and we just kiss, and i remember your taste and the way you touch me, and the redish purple of your lips. It all comes back to me, and i get it now, i understand why you sigh, and i'm dancing up there on you, all dressed in black, but i'm naked, all dressed in black with no smile on.

This is what i look like when i've fallen and i cannot get up, this is what a boy looks like, lost, this is how it tastes to be lonely and in search, when i find my way back to you i know i'm loosing. I look around and we are on a stage, the whole world watching you take what i could never really have hoped to hold on to so young, from a man so driven.

I hold the sheets up around and close my eyes, i want them all gone, but it's too late, the tricks are out, and there is no red ribbon of lusts or duty on your sleeve when you call round my house now.

I wake up and close that window, a little confusion in my wake, and i can't but admit you have been on my mind all day. I can't but admit it feels a little strange when i see your car parked out front and your clutching her hand like you mean it. Do you mean it? I don't think i'm jealous, i barely knew what sex was when you taught me, all of maybe 8 years old, i don't know, maybe i loved you in an innocent way, maybe even liked it? perhaps your not at all to blame for all the crimes i've blessed you with, perhaps your just an easy route for me to forgive myself for becoming what i am, a self centred faggot, but i will always remember you as the man that took me away.

Last summer i swear i saw your car out on the road, there where i stood 4 inches from the edge of slipping over, falling infront of the doctors car. Maybe i hoped you'd kill me, maybe i wished you'd stop and save me. And this summer, 1 year on, i stop and say there is no inprovements in my pockets, no foreseeable smiles to loom my face, when will i be able to tell anyone what it is you did to me? i hear it comming out, its there on my tounge and you say "spit it out i dare you" but i see your car parked out front, i remember the colour of your lips, i remember what it is you taught me - anyone will listen for an hour is you fuck them.

I will never say i am yours again, even though you might smile, even though my brother without realising will stir the situation in passing when he mentions how she starves you of sex. I've said my goodbyes to the doctor and although i may stir and although i might dream, i have closed that window.

_________

When I close a window, I always make it a point that it remains close.

Another Brute

do you know this guy?

CONSIDER YOURSELF

WARNED!!!

hand tied

"de profundus cinmo ad te Dominae."

young love

my mistake was saying i wanted too. I should have just...

Dropped to my knees in front of you, and unzipped your jeans. Silenced your protests with my lips. Filled my mouth with the warmth of you as you grew hard. Tasted the sweetness of you, your manly smell. Used my teeth, showed you things the girls before me never thought of, or didn't do right. Changed your mind.

your mistake was telling me you wanted it, and then telling me no. i should have just...

Slid into your bed, under the covers, and between your legs. Teased you with my mouth, taken all of you inside me. Swallowed your dick until you threatened to cum, and stopped. Taken my first kiss from you then, in the heat of climax.

I wanted you to be my first. You could have been mine.

Pressing your mouth against mine, your stiff cock promised entrance. Hovering, in slow motion, our eyes meet, speak so many words that no one will understand. Inhaled sharply as you broke into me, fought the pain to give you what you wanted, to give me what I wanted.

you waited too long, pushed me away, denied yourself

Dripping with sweat you thrust into me. Our bodies finding a rythm of their own, making sounds I had only heard in film. Drowned in extacy and need, neither of us aware of the outside world. Your movements make me explode.

We could have been more, you and I. should have...

Relaxed, a warmth fills me, a glow. Your movements quicken, deepen, and you cum inside me; a new warmth inside. And then you glow, more than you already did, you glow. And we collapse sticky, breathless, euphoric, into sleep, your flesh against mine.

___________
when boys meets boys. lolz

eskinita

...A few moments passed. The boy’s back was lightly scratched by the coarse brick, and his body grazed with sweat. He cringed feeling that enveloping heat that poured over him each time the man’s tongue passed over his sac. I can’t take anymore of this, the boy thought, frantically. He gasped, and cried out, his fingertips becoming red from the pressure against the wall. This is it!

The man directed his sight up, towards the boy’s face. The boy’s expression was so enticing, the man couldn’t help but grin once more. The boy was the image of innocents lost. His face was red, his eyes clenched shut, his mouth agape sending out strange and arousing sounds of pleasure. He came, loudly, as the man traced his tongue up his swollen shaft once again.

A long, thick stream of milky white erupted from the boy’s long taunted erection. He cried out, his body convulsing as his orgasm swarmed him. The man, quickly brought a hand to the boy’s pulsing appendage, and pumped his hands, in an attempt to all of the boy’s seed out. This only made the boy squirm and cry more, as his now sensitive and delicate member was being handled so blatantly.

The white cream went all over the ally-floor, and the man’s shoulder. He pouted, though barely noticeable. He took his shirt off, and set it on the ground, then stood up. The man was about six-foot, much taller than the boy. The kid couldn’t look him in the eye, and threw his head to the side, gasping and panting as he did (his orgasm was much stronger than he’d thought). His legs were shaky, and his body so frail. Why cant this all just go away, he demanded in his head.

A strong hand gripped the boy’s dimpled chin, and forced it to look center. The boy’s eyes were narrowed, filled with childish forlorn anger. As menacing as Satan himself, the man grinned. “The fun’s only just begun.” He said. The boy could see the man’s eyes now. They were a dark, hazy green which set off his dark five-o’clock shadow and his long brown hair.

The boy cringed, as he felt the man’s hand grip his chin a bit harder. The boy brought his hands up again, and tried to force the man back. Again, to no avail. The harder he pressed, the more evil the man seemed. The boy’s hands wandered up and around the man’s body, trying to find a weak point...there were none. Only ripped, bulging muscles were found. The boy was a tad aroused by the feel of it. His face fell docile, and quizzical. But, he then quickly remembered that this person had just defiled him in such an unspeakable way.

He threw his head to the other side, bringing his hands to his meek chest, and his head flooded with hate again. The man chuckled...he’d noticed the boy’s intrigue in his body, and now wouldn’t accept “no” as answer. He quickly grabbed the boy’s undone pants, and drew them all the way down, briefs and all. The boy was caught off guard, and gasped. The man turned him around, and forced him up against the wall. The boy had to struggle to get his hands in front of him, in order to stop his face from being too badly cut by the rough, unforgiving brick.

The boy groaned with anger again, grunting, now tears flowing to his eyes again as his phallic, still very tender, tapped the cold rigid brick. The grinned, as he slipped his index finger into his mouth. As he lubricated it, he let out a moan...a hot, long, deviant moan. The boy blushed, his tears still slowly flowing. The man slipped the digit out of his mouth. He quickly brought down to the boy’s other entry.

He teased the outer ring of muscle there, making the boy cry out in pain and pleasure. “No....please.” he whispered. The man just grinned again. After a moment more of teasing, the man slowly slid his finger into him. Deeper and deeper. The boy let out a long, light moan, and gasped. The boy’s body arched into the man’s finger, unconsciously wanting him to go in deeper. The man could feel his erection growing, wanting to “slay” an innocent thing...

____________

the network server in our office bug down for three days... Maybe because of this blog... lol.

Anyway, here is a story inspired by a friend who would always tells me story about his sexcapade. No, i wont tell you guys where this place is... But I know some of you - including me, i guess have already been in this situation, in one occassion or sort! lolz

A Dance With A Devil

ale

Cold blue sapphire glints in the night
And I am undressed
By eyes that have known lifetimes,
Years flashing past in seconds
As you are forced to exist in shadows.
You stand there, impassive,
Your body unyielding, uninterest
Choreographed to perfection.
For a second I see myself as if through ice;
Shivering limbs, my eyes two haunted pools
Of distrust, but still the flare of hope
Lives on.

You smile and desire coils within me,
Your meaning clear;
And the nights of endless wishing are
Finally bearing fruit.
Your gaze sweeps my body once more,
Slowly, languorously, sensually,
Your eyes strip me bare, and I am left naked;
Arousal staining my skin
While the sapphire melts to midnight.
I come undone with understanding,
The trust you show me that pleads to be
Answered.

Sweat slicked skin slips and slides
In a sweet rhythm
That has me gasping, arching for your touch,
My voice unrecognisable
As it pants, begging you to possess me
As your kisses steal my soul
And I let it whisper away,
On breaths that are swallowed on moans
And cries that are smothered by mouths.
On this night I let you chase the light
Denied to you at birth, through the rebirth
Our coupling can bring.

With shaking hands, your fingers
Caress my skin, your own not truly alive,
Yet still it courses with passion filled fever.
This is my lover:
Frozen in time, suspended above me;
A man whose fear melts away
As I press our bodies together,
A slow building heat suffusing our limbs.
Forehead to forehead, nose to nose,
Black eyes look into blue: permission granted
To a silent request, and finally he slips
Inside.

Nerves afire, my every sense attuned
As our bodies glide and merge
In this most intimate of ways.
Your skin burns me,
Where it touches so deeply within.
A shift of hips
And reality slips, trickling away as I
Drown in you: my perfect death.
Sharing breaths as skin cools, mouths
Meet as bodies part and I look up
Into the eyes that twinkle
Making me long to have the devil
Take me again.

________________

Yesterday, I was taken into a vortex of sheer ecstasy. Damn, it was really a great 'dance' - i can still feel all the sensation lingering in my skin this mornin'!

ah, Paradis!

Unholy

I will feed the fires of hatred,
In your smoking barrel heart,
I will take your so called innocence,
And tear it all apart,

I will take from you your kindred,
Of innocence and light,
I will burn your blood drenched soul,
Into eternal night,

Unholy genocide,
Of all that was once you,
One thing I can't abide,
Is what you do not do.

Belching forth a bloody dawn,
Of coldness and deceit,
A holy man you called yourself,
Amidst the firey heat,

Feeding what you once kept hidden,
Through a mirrored door,
Shatter this broken illusion,
Until it is no more,

Unholy genocide,
Of all that was once you,
One thing I can't abide,
Is what you do not do.

Angel hair and babies breath,
Are alien to you,
You live off others delusion,
And chaos shall ensue,

I'll smite or I'll turn you,
Whichever I deem fit,
For I am unholy genocide,
From the deepest pit.

_________

Its friday the thirteenth Guys!

Be Safe, you All!

On Homophobia

This is a topic thats been weighing heavily on my mind alot lately, so Ive finally put my feelings on it into words.

I, like any free thinking and intelligent individual, think that gay marrige is perfectly fine and natural lifestyle.

But right now in our society, gay marriges and relationships being skewered daily by government, the catholic church and ordinary students, its easy to see how someone could get sub-concious homophobia.

Even some of my freinds, who claim to be pro-gay marrige will call someone a "fag" or a "dyke" because they screwed up or are acting like idiots, or say somethings "gay" because its stupid. I can say, without fear of contradiction, that i have NEVER used the words fag or dyke, and have never used gay in that context; and Iam very proud of myself becuase of that.

In my mind calling someone those names because they arent perfectly staight is like calling a black person "nigger" out of hate.

when I raised this point to a few of my friends they brushed it off say i was "thinking to much". Im not saying that theyre ignoring this makes them bad people, they are truly pro-gay marrigeand wonderful freinds, they just need to take better care when choosing their words.

Please remember that racism is defined as "when people are miss-treated, mocked or dishonoured because of race, skin colour or origin of birth, faith, or sexual preferences"

I hope that anyone who has that horrible habit will start making a more concious effort to change their behavior after reading this

________________

if if this doest change our point of veiw, try making up better insults than "hows life on brokeback mountain" i cant count how many times people have used that one in the halls)

_______________

and please excuse the typo error... Ive been rushing every cell in my body this day... Argh!

ressurection

wash me, clean

Im Back from the Holy Week Vacation Guys! So where did I go? hmmm... Honestly, I spent most of the free time - SLEEPIN!

Jed and marco went to Marinduque for the Native Holy Week Festival. I wanted to go but I changed mah mind and opted to just stay home and regian some lost strength and energy. Good enough I was able to regain most of them. Boring as it may seem that at least I get to write new poems and stories for this space.

What really ever happen to my depression?

read on guys...

He quietly sang his song
While he was walking along a river
Through the valley of his broken dreams
He`s crying
Walking with the thought of dieing
Only he, The only one, Can save him...
From the dayly death
From the endless pain
From the emptiness inside

But he’s not by his side
With nothing to lose
Life’s no more what it seems..

..to be

He started running
And before his tears reached the bodom again
He jumped into the water
Closing his eyes
Washing his pain away...

He’s flowing with the water
Hoping he will find him
Forgetting his problems
He dreamed about their perfect love
Blinded by his thoughts
He didn’t realize his body growing cold
As he opened his eyes again
He was dazzled by a white light

Then..

He felt HIS warm touch on his cold dead skin

__________

Unbreak Me

I cant really defined what i feeling rightnow. For days it seems that I am like floating on an air of such dubious strength. Admittedly, it is leading me into a state of depression - all in an instance i just felt sad about something i cant really point my finger at. That explains some serious poems on the recent post on this blog.

Also, I know there are a lot of you asking - WHO THE HELL IS CAIRO? Well for one, He is my alter ego. The Hard and Tough man within the soft persona of KHALEL. He is the daring one - the bold conqueror of my fear. If it is a good sign CAIRO started to surface again, that i do not know. Heaven knows I can only pray it would be for the better. One thing is certain, CAIRO is here to stay.

No, dont get me wrong. CAIRO is not that evil. He may be bold and daring but he is principled in every way.

I missed mantra.

No, he had not gone into any vacation or sort. It is just that we keep on arguing lately over little things possibly one can imagine. It is sad really. I missed his sweetness, his smile, his arms on me while we are sleeping, his passionate kiss. Damn! I missed my baby so much. For days I wanted him to feel that I love him so much. But maybe both of us is simply to stupid enough not to hear each other's heart.

I really feel so terrible about this, I hope everything settle done soon - for better or worse, I know both of us can only pray.

Angel of Vanity

Self medicated patient of loneliness
Constantly feeding yourself mendacities
Just to fill the void
Adding layers upon layers of false images
So you can hide behind the mask, shrouding your frailty
You’re so artificial
Just a narcissistic mannequin
How does it feel to be eulogized?
Your conceit grows out of reach
Famed and glorified by the blind
But I know mighty well
That you were never meant to last
Remember this, my vanity angel
That appearances are only skin deep
One day your mask will shatter
Leaving you naked and defenseless
And I hope to bear witness
As you stumble off your palace in the sky.

___________

bare with me guys, i am not really myself nowadays. Cairo had awaken.

Gasoline

... I can't close my eyes, I can't hold my breath; I can't wait for my heart to start beating again. So much time wasted on miles; so many miles wasted on time, and I don't even know what the hell I mean by that this time. So I'll just keep on falling, keep on screaming in an explosion of tedium, keep on running to try to erase your face. And maybe if I can fall fast enough I can finally leave all of this place behind me. I run instead of crying, gasoline is my tears, exploding drop by drop. And maybe time will heal this too, it'll probably take another ten years I suppose. Or maybe it'll all go away if I just drive ten more miles down the road....